Assassin
Branch Line Engine
Posts: 1,255
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2006 0:17:45 GMT
Post by Assassin on Apr 9, 2006 0:17:45 GMT
A Person!!
4 legs: Baby crawling, 2 legs: adult walking, 3 legs: old man cane!!
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wasp
Shunting Engine
Posts: 32
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2006 16:51:10 GMT
Post by wasp on Apr 9, 2006 16:51:10 GMT
A blonde walks into a store, and asks the man in charge if she can buy the tv that she's pointing at.
The man says "We don't serve dumb blondes here." So, the next day, the blonde dyes her hair red. When she goes back to the store, she again asks if she can buy the tv, and again the man says no. Then, the girl dyes her hair brown, and goes back to the store again. When the salesman again says no, she asks how he knows she is really a blonde.
"Well for starters, says the man, that's not a tv, it's a microwave."
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Richard
Passenger Engine
Posts: 697
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2006 17:03:07 GMT
Post by Richard on Apr 9, 2006 17:03:07 GMT
That was a great one, wasp!
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2006 18:18:16 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Apr 9, 2006 18:18:16 GMT
I know one rather like it...
A blonde goes into a music store (just as equally, it could be a drummer going into a store to find a "real" instrument, just I've heard the blonde one more often.). She says to the sales assistant, "I'd like that xylophone and that trumpet."
The assistant says, "You can keep the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 8:25:14 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 10, 2006 8:25:14 GMT
LOL!
Okay:
An irishman walks into a pub, and the barber sees him.
"Say," he said, "What's in that backpack of yours?" "I'll tell you what," said the irishman, "I'll give you these couple of apples in my bag, if you guess what's in it, and how many there are!"
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 22:39:51 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Apr 10, 2006 22:39:51 GMT
Rude warning! The world's first intlligent baby is born (And no, it's not bent on world domination like Stewie Griffin from Family Guy) The baby says "I'd like to thank my mother from giving me life and making me happy, I'd like to thank the midwife for placing me carefully on my mother so I can feed and I'd like to thank the doctor for taking me carefully and skillfully out of my mother's womb. Now, where's my dad?" The father comes in "Here I am!" He says. "Come here." The baby says and the dad leans over to see the baby. Then, the baby starts poking his dad's head with 2 fingers and this goes on for about 5 mins. "Would you stop that?" Asks the dad. "Now you know what it feels like" Says the baby
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Richard
Passenger Engine
Posts: 697
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2006 22:52:32 GMT
Post by Richard on Apr 10, 2006 22:52:32 GMT
I have a joke about dumb people. (May offend!)
Not one of my best, but...
Two related familys were in California, and going to Michigan to see the family for Thanksgiving.
One of the familys left, and the others left.
They drove 3 days up to Michigan, and the other family was already there.
The dad of the family that just came said, "How did you get here so quick?"
"We took a plane!"
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 9:40:14 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 11, 2006 9:40:14 GMT
bocodiseasel, I don't get that one
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 10:20:42 GMT
Post by Skarloey on Apr 11, 2006 10:20:42 GMT
You don't want to know, 01salty, it's quite rude.
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JimBobDunnie
Branch Line Engine
[Advertise Your Business Here]
Posts: 1,002
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 11:35:45 GMT
Post by JimBobDunnie on Apr 11, 2006 11:35:45 GMT
Lol, too right Skar ----------------------------------- Here's a bit of Welsh Humour for y'all A man walks into the Doctors Surgery. "I can't stop singing the Green Grass of Home" he complains. "Aha, a sure sign of Tom Jones Symdrone!" the Docter says. "Is it common?" the man asks. "Well, its not unusual..." --------------------- A man wakes up to find a gorrila on his roof. He looks through the Yellow Pages to see if theres some sort of Animal Remover and happily finds a Gorrila Remover. A few minutes after calling, the gorrila remover arrives with a ladder, a pit-bull (a type of dog before anyone asks) and a shot-gun. He sets the ladder against the house, tells the dog to stay and chucks the shot-gun to the man. As he is about to climb up the ladder, the man calls: "Why, wait a sec. You haven't told me what to do with this gun!" The gorilla man shakes his head. "Sorry mate, I forgot to explain. Y'see, what I do is climb up this here ladder and simply push the gorrila off. Now to make sure he don't escape, the dog has been trained to bite and grab hold of his things which shouldn't be bit and grabbed hold off until I can get down and place him in me van and whisp him off to the zoo." "Thats seem all fine and dandy, but what about the gun?" "Ah, now thats different. If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog." Hope you enjoyed and no offence was taken with the second one
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 15:58:55 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Apr 11, 2006 15:58:55 GMT
LOL! Good ones Jimbob!
Paddy and Mick are filling up Concorde on it's final journey. Paddy sees somthing dripping from the plane and he dips his finger in it and tastes it. "Hey, Mick! This tastes like Pochene!*" Mick tries it. "It is Pochene!" And they spend the rest of the day drinking the lot.
In the middle of the night, Paddy phones Mick and says "We shouldn't have drunk that stuff today. It wasn't Pochene." "How do you know?" Asks Mick. "Because i've just been to the toilet. Don't go! Because i'm speaking to you from Tenerife!!"
(*Pochene- A very strong drink. I think it's pure alcohol)
TRUE Motor insurance Claim Form Statements
"Leaving home for work I drove straight into a bus. It was 5 mins early."
"As I approached the junction, an invisible car came out of nowhere, hit my car and vanished."
"As I got home I drove into the wrong drive and collided with a tree that I haven't got."
"The man hit my car and dissapeared under it."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him!"
"The bloke was all over the road! I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him!"
And my all time fave
"I saw a sad faced, slow moving old gentleman......As he bounced off the bonnet of my car!!!"
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 21:42:10 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 11, 2006 21:42:10 GMT
Okay then, here's one:
Two Blondes sign up to join a terrorist group. They get their first assignment- to blow up a building. They are soon on their way. One blonde is driving, and the other is in the back seat preparing the bomb.
"Okay," said the blonde, "Set the bomb for 20 seconds. When I drive up to the building, you throw the bomb out of the window, and we drive off as fast as possible." "Yep," said the other blonde.
The blonde in the back set the time on the bomb. "Oops," she said, "I accidentally set it for 10 seconds instead!" "Don't worry," said the first blonde, "If that one goes off too early, we have another spare one in the boot!"
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JimBobDunnie
Branch Line Engine
[Advertise Your Business Here]
Posts: 1,002
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 21:46:01 GMT
Post by JimBobDunnie on Apr 11, 2006 21:46:01 GMT
Ooh, blonde jokes eh? ------------------------------- A brunette and two blondes are hanging off a helicopter over a lava pit*. "We're too heavy" the brunette calls to the blondes, "one of us needs to let go." "I'm not jumping off" says one. "Same here" says the other. The brunette gulps. "Alright then, I'll jump." The two blondes admired her courage and clapped *My jokes ain't that realistic ain't they?
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 21:59:37 GMT
Post by Skarloey on Apr 11, 2006 21:59:37 GMT
Mwahaha! Great blonde jokes!
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2006 7:17:10 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 12, 2006 7:17:10 GMT
3 Blondes ran into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it!
*RUDE WARNING*
How do you know when a blonde's confused? She's got a tampon behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.
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RHM
Shunting Engine
I am a 'night' person...having a hard time getting to sleep -_-;;
Posts: 26
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Jokes
May 4, 2006 8:58:35 GMT
Post by RHM on May 4, 2006 8:58:35 GMT
Hmmm...here's one that I heard from somewhere...
A kid was given the assignment to find out the first three letters of the Alphabet. So he decided to ask his family.
When he entered his house, he saw his father in the lounge. Now, his father is in a bad mood from having traffic problems and being late to work, so he's all grumpy.
The kid asks, "Dad, what's the first letter of the Alphabet?" His father shouts, "Get lost!"
The kid nods and goes upstairs. He passes his older brother's room. His brother is watching movies now, and is really into it.
The kid asks, "Hey, what's the second letter of the Alphabet?" His brother shouts, "Superman!"
The kid nods and passes his older sister's room. She's listening to music, and is not paying attention to the kid.
The kid asks, "Hey, what's the third letter of the Alphabet?" His sister says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
The kid nods.....
The next day, the teacher calls the kid.
T: So, tell me what you found out. K: Get lost! T: Who do you think you are?! K: Superman! T: Do you want to be sent to the principal?! K: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
...well, that's it. ^^
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Jokes
May 4, 2006 16:52:02 GMT
Post by stepneydude on May 4, 2006 16:52:02 GMT
A hilarious George Carlin quote:
"Some food sounds too funny to eat. Like guacamole. I mean, it sounds like something you'd shout when you're on fire. 'Holy guacamole! My ass is burnin'!' Or when you can't remember the name of something -- 'Hey Ed! What's the name of the guacamole that goes in the lamp?'"
I might have messed up a few words, but that was the general gist of the quote.
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Jokes
May 4, 2006 17:03:10 GMT
Post by dragonfox on May 4, 2006 17:03:10 GMT
Hmmm...here's one that I heard from somewhere... A kid was given the assignment to find out the first three letters of the Alphabet. So he decided to ask his family. When he entered his house, he saw his father in the lounge. Now, his father is in a bad mood from having traffic problems and being late to work, so he's all grumpy. The kid asks, "Dad, what's the first letter of the Alphabet?" His father shouts, "Get lost!" The kid nods and goes upstairs. He passes his older brother's room. His brother is watching movies now, and is really into it. The kid asks, "Hey, what's the second letter of the Alphabet?" His brother shouts, "Superman!" The kid nods and passes his older sister's room. She's listening to music, and is not paying attention to the kid. The kid asks, "Hey, what's the third letter of the Alphabet?" His sister says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" The kid nods..... The next day, the teacher calls the kid. T: So, tell me what you found out. K: Get lost! T: Who do you think you are?! K: Superman! T: Do you want to be sent to the principal?! K: Yeah, yeah, yeah! ...well, that's it. ^^ Hehehehe, I remember that joke, only the one I've heard is slightly different than yours...
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RHM
Shunting Engine
I am a 'night' person...having a hard time getting to sleep -_-;;
Posts: 26
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Jokes
May 5, 2006 15:52:59 GMT
Post by RHM on May 5, 2006 15:52:59 GMT
I also remember this one...^^ A traveler went to New York City. But he didn't know a single English word. So he just walked around, listening to any words that came to his ear. When he passed a music shop, the owner was tuning a guitar belonging to a customer. The owner was saying, "Mi, mi, mi..." (As in Do, Re, Mi....) The traveler listened to it.... When he passed a restaurant, the owner was ordering some things he needed by the telephone. He was ordering many things including forks and knives. The traveler heard it... When he passed a pizza shop, the delivery man was hurrying to deliver a pizza. The pizza shop's owner was standing by the door, shouting "Hurry! Hurry!" (Quote : reminds me of Thomas the Tank Engine, again ^-^; The traveler heard this.... Later, the traveler was walking down the street when he was passing a dead man's body. He seemed to be murdered quite horribly....blood was smeared around the body and it was a total mess. Two police officers came, and questioned the traveler.... "Who did this?" "Mi, mi, mi." (As in "Me, me, me.") "What in the world did you use?!" "Forks and knives." The officers took out handcuffs. "You're going to jail, right now!!" The traveler : "Hurry, hurry!!!" ....that's it. ^^;;;
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douglas
Main Line Engine
Posts: 2,256
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Jokes
May 6, 2006 3:55:29 GMT
Post by douglas on May 6, 2006 3:55:29 GMT
I was reading an old collection of Calvin and Hobbes today, and here's one I found paticularly funny:
Calvin: "How do bank machines work?" Dad: "Well, you punch in the amount you want... and then there's a guy behind the machine with a printing press who makes the money and puts it in the slot." Calvin: "Kinda like the guy who hides in the garage and opens the door for us?" Dad: "Exactly."
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