Proteus
Passenger Engine
Not everything needs a concrete answer.
Posts: 630
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2006 19:43:29 GMT
Post by Proteus on Jun 5, 2006 19:43:29 GMT
My favorite joke ever.
"Why did we lose the war in vietnam?"
"Well, we failed to acknowledge the parabel of the fly. He was flying in a barn yard and saw a big pile of horse crap. He flew down and ate it until he was so full he couldn't fly anymore. Then he saw a pitch fork leaned up against the barn and thought; 'If I clinb the pitchfork, all the way to the top of the handle, and jump, the wind would carry me away.' So he climbed to the top of the pitchfork handle and jumped. But he didn't fly. He plummeted like a rock and went splat. It was because we failed to take the lesson of that story into concideration that we lost the vietnam war."
"And what lesson is that?"
"Don't fly off the handle when you're full of crap."
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2006 20:16:27 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Jun 5, 2006 20:16:27 GMT
Ok. Here's an ancient one. *Blows dust off*
This kid needs to use the toilet and so he asks his teacher.
"Only if you recite the alphabet." Said the teacher, and the kid began.
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z."
"Where's the P?" Asks the teacher. "Running down my leg." Says the kid.
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2006 16:26:10 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jun 6, 2006 16:26:10 GMT
That was one of my favourite jokes when I was a kid, it still brings a smile to my face
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Jokes
Jun 7, 2006 11:36:18 GMT
Post by robotbender on Jun 7, 2006 11:36:18 GMT
What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive?
Popeye beat him up.
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An American, a Cuban, a Russian and a lawyer are travelling by train and the Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his bag, takes a swig, and says, "We Russians have the best Vodka in the world, and it'sa so common you can just throw it out of the window!" And he throws it out the window. Then the Cuban lights a cigar and says, "We Cubans have the best cigars in the world, and we can just throw them out of the window." And he does. Then the American picks up the lawyer and throws him out of the window... ------------------------------------------------------- An Englishman, an Argie and Claudia Schiffer are travelling on an old train with no lights, and the train goes into a Tunnel. A kissing sound is heard, followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges, the Argie haqs a red mark on his face. Claudia Schiffer thinks, "The Argie must have tried to kiss me and got the Englishman, who slapped him." The Argie thinks, "That Englishman must have tried to kiss her and she tried to slap her and missed and got me instead." And the Englishman thinks, "This is great. In the next tunnel, I'm gonna make another kissing noise and hit that Argie again. Harder."
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 13:16:27 GMT
Post by FlyingScotsman on Jun 11, 2006 13:16:27 GMT
The Pope is on a tour of America by car. As he's being driven from one city to another, he notices that the car is going too fast, and tells the driver. "But, Your Holiness," says the driver, "if we slow down then we'll be late!" "Hmm," says the Pope. "Well, tell you what, we'll swap over. Nobody would give the Pope a ticket for speeding." So that's what they do. Eventually a highway patrolman appears and pulls them over. He goes to the driver's door, and the Pope rolls the window down. The policeman turns white and radios HQ. "Sir," he says, "I don't think we can give this guy a ticket - he's way too important." "Who is it?" asks the Chief. "Is it the Mayor again?" "No," says the policeman. "More important than that!" "Oh no," says the Chief. "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than that." "More important? Who is he?" "I don't know, but his driver's the Pope!"
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 16:49:13 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jun 11, 2006 16:49:13 GMT
I also have a Pope joke, Tom:
A man is having his hair cut at the barbershop. He tells the barber, "I'm going to visit America. Apparently the Pope is visiting the same area I will be staying at. It would be great to meet him!" "The Pope would never want to be seen with the likes of you," the barber scoffs. "Oh yeah?" the man exclaims. "I tell you, I will meet the Pope and have a conversation with him. I promise I will."
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Two months later the dude returns. He goes up to the barber with a smug grin on his face. "Guess what?" he cries. "I met the Pope!" "You did?" cries the astonished barber. "Yep," replies the man. "He called me up to him in the street." "He what?!" says the barber, in utter disbelief. "Yup," the man continues. "He called me up, and asked me a question."
The barber is on the brink of having a heart attack. "What did the Pope ask?" he stammers. "He said, 'My son... Where the bloody hell did you get such a crappy haircut?'".
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Assassin
Branch Line Engine
Posts: 1,255
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 16:51:50 GMT
Post by Assassin on Jun 11, 2006 16:51:50 GMT
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 17:44:09 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jun 11, 2006 17:44:09 GMT
(whistles the X-Files theme tune) (whistles the McGyver theme tune because it's so darn catchy
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JimBobDunnie
Branch Line Engine
[Advertise Your Business Here]
Posts: 1,002
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 20:01:36 GMT
Post by JimBobDunnie on Jun 11, 2006 20:01:36 GMT
Haha! Nice 'un! Here's one (or two, see what I fancy writting) from me: -- Man walks into a pub and orders pie and chips. The bar-tender puts them on a plate and gives them to him. The man eats the chips, but when he comes to the pie, he puts it on his head and walks out. Next day, the same man walks into the bar again and orders pie and chips. Again, he eats the chips, but puts the pie on his head and walks out. Now, this happens for the rest of that week, and come Friday the Bar-tender becomes curious. Later that day, the same man comes into the bar and asks for pie and chips. "Soz mate" the Bar-tender replies, "No pie's today, we do have pasties though." The man goes along with the pastie. He eats the chips and, as expected by some, puts the pasty on his head, but as he is about to walk out, the bar-tender calls. "Hoi! Mate! Why have you got a pastie on yer head?" The man turns round and simply replies... "Well, you ran out of pies." ----------------------------- Teacher:Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria:Here it is! Teacher:Correct, good girl. Now class, can anyone tell me who discovered America? Class:Maria! ----------------------------- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but apparently the reception was brilliant. ----------------------------- Three, ain't you lucky?
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 20:13:31 GMT
Post by Chris The Xelent on Jun 11, 2006 20:13:31 GMT
The other day, a policeman arrested two teenagers. One was drinking battery acid and the other was smoking fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off!
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 20:23:29 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Jun 11, 2006 20:23:29 GMT
I had that joke in a joke book from the Student Enterprises at Swansea Uni, ChrisTE, LOL!
Stuart
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JimBobDunnie
Branch Line Engine
[Advertise Your Business Here]
Posts: 1,002
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 20:30:08 GMT
Post by JimBobDunnie on Jun 11, 2006 20:30:08 GMT
Heard it off Tommy Cooper meself, but hey, good one
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2006 22:01:30 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Jun 11, 2006 22:01:30 GMT
Here's one I've read recently:
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes" he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here" she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway". "Now" she said, "if only I could find my parakeet". ;D
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Jokes
Jun 24, 2006 21:15:49 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Jun 24, 2006 21:15:49 GMT
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a roasted for a salt. (One was arrested for assault)
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2006 3:59:28 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jul 6, 2006 3:59:28 GMT
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a canyon. Boom boom tish.
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2006 7:38:50 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Jul 6, 2006 7:38:50 GMT
Fnar Fanr XD This vampire bat comes back to the cave one night and he's got blood all over his face. The others say "Hey! You've had some blood! Wher'd you get it, we've been thirsty all day!" The bat flies off and the others follow. They land in a feild. "Well where's the human you killed?" Asks one bat. "You see that tree over there" Says the other bat. "I didn't."
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2006 9:14:21 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Jul 6, 2006 9:14:21 GMT
Erm, I don't get it.
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Rheneas
Passenger Engine
Looks familiar, doesn't it?
Posts: 686
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2006 13:11:21 GMT
Post by Rheneas on Jul 6, 2006 13:11:21 GMT
He hit the tree because he hadn't seen it and started bleeding.
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2006 16:14:40 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jul 6, 2006 16:14:40 GMT
I have an extremely risque joke that I'm dying to tell, but due to forum rules (and common logic) I'm not allowed to post it here. If you wish to hear it (and you must be old enough to ), just PM me. Have a slightly less dirty joke though: Patient: Doctor Doctor, Doctor Doctor! Doctor: You have a problem, problem? Patient: I keep seeing double! Doctor: Deary me. Well then, sit on the couch and I'll examine your eyes. Patient: Right then. Which one?
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douglas
Main Line Engine
Posts: 2,256
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Jokes
Jul 10, 2006 0:51:57 GMT
Post by douglas on Jul 10, 2006 0:51:57 GMT
My little cousin told me these. Imagine they're being said in a four-year-old girl's voice.
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
'Cause he's dead.
Why'd the second monkey fall out of the tree?
'Cause he was holding on to the first one.
Why'd the third monkey fall out of the treee?
Because he thought it was a game.
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