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Jokes
Dec 5, 2005 2:44:21 GMT
Post by Mark Iron on Dec 5, 2005 2:44:21 GMT
Post any jokes you have here.
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Post by Chris The Xelent on Dec 5, 2005 19:40:31 GMT
A man with a bird on his head went to see his doctor.
Doctor: What can I do for you?
Bird: Will you get this man off my feet!
Two learner pilots are coming in to land
Pilot 1: That runway's ever so short. Isn't it?
Pilot 2: Yes, but look how WIDE it is!
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Post by bocodiseasel on Dec 6, 2005 19:39:53 GMT
LOL and XD!!
What's green and goes up and down?
Percy stuck in a lift! (Note to self. Must allways break the ice with Thomas jokes)
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack!
What do you call a man with a shark on his head?
An ambulance!
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Dec 10, 2005 23:56:10 GMT
Post by SRapi on Dec 10, 2005 23:56:10 GMT
If I have 12 coconuts in one hand, and 13 coconuts in one hand, what do I have? Very big hands.
A man claims that he can drinkn anything. A bartender takes him on. He gives him shot after shot after shot of very strong alcohols, and the man just takes them down. Finally, the bartender gives him something he knows he can't drink: acid. But the man swallows it in one gulp, and goes to the bathroom. When he comes out, the bartender looks incredulously at him. "You just drank acid! How did you do that!" The man looks at him and says, "Acid? So that's why the urinal melted!"
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gotSTEAM?
Branch Line Engine
Still dreaming <3
Posts: 1,234
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Jokes
Dec 11, 2005 23:55:56 GMT
Post by gotSTEAM? on Dec 11, 2005 23:55:56 GMT
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphault under his arm. He sits down and the bartender comes up to him.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"Two drinks," answers the man, "One for me, and one for the road."
~Elizabeth
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 1:15:00 GMT
Post by mstnoodle on Dec 12, 2005 1:15:00 GMT
Two men walk into a bar.
It hurt!
Mstnoodle
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henry
Shunting Engine
Admin of the official NYMR forum!
Posts: 41
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 20:26:45 GMT
Post by henry on Dec 12, 2005 20:26:45 GMT
A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender 3 pints that he can fart the national anthem. The bartender, feeling like this was a joke, accepted.
The man got up onto the bar top, dropped his jeans and s**t all over the place. The bartender was irate:
Bartender: "Why the hell did you do that?!" Man: "Even Pavarotti clears his throat before a performance!"
Thanks alot, I've been Henry and you've been my favourite audience.. GOODNIGHT!
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 20:28:04 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Dec 12, 2005 20:28:04 GMT
Doctors have found out that prozac can kill!! However, no-one cares. Okay, that was bad, I know >_< Here's a better one: Teacher: I have two words I do not like hearing in this class. One is "cool" and the other is "gross". Kid: Okay Miss. What are they?
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 21:41:56 GMT
Post by Chris The Xelent on Dec 12, 2005 21:41:56 GMT
This one's a bit dirty. So moderators, feel free to delete this and I apologise in advance.
A boy comes home from school and goes to see his dad. BOY: Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality? DAD: I dunno son, why? BOY: Well, my teacher says that I have to learn the difference between theory and reality. DAD: Oh well, I'll give you an example. Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for £1,000,000. The boy goes away and then comes back. BOY: She says yes she would. DAD: Right, now go and ask your sister the same question. The boy goes away again and then comes back again. BOY: She also says yes she would. DAD: Right, well there you go. That's the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on £2,000,000.................but in reality we're living with a pair of slappers.
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 21:58:43 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Dec 12, 2005 21:58:43 GMT
Hehe!! Good one!! This one's for people who don't like George Bush!
There's a little girl, George Bush, A Scotsman and an Englishman on a plane. It started boarding at 3:00. So, the plane is 1000 feet in the air and they start crashing! There are only 5 parachutes on board. The pilot and Co-pilot jump out with a parachute each. The englishman says "I'm a fireman so I've got to save my life so other people can live! SO he grabs a Parachute and jumps out. George Bush grabs a bag and jump out of the plane. The Scotsman says to the little girl "You're the youngest. You've got your whole life ahead. Take the last parachute" And the little girl says "It's allright! We can both go! George Bush took my schoolbag!!"
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tom628
Goods Engine
[F4:@hackattackimer]
Posts: 425
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 22:07:55 GMT
Post by tom628 on Dec 12, 2005 22:07:55 GMT
Funny stuff.
A British man, A French man, and an American man are on a plane. The Pilot tells them they have to throw off one of something their country has too much of. The French guy throws off some French bread, the British guy throws off a Big Mac, and the American guy throws off the British guy!
EDIT: Stepenydude pointed out that there are a lot of McDonalds in the UK
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 22:10:48 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Dec 12, 2005 22:10:48 GMT
I've heard that one (being from Britain an' all), but in the version I heard we throw off a Big Mac rather than a gun, as we do have a lot of McDonald's over here...
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Truro
Branch Line Engine
Posts: 1,041
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2005 23:20:42 GMT
Post by Truro on Dec 12, 2005 23:20:42 GMT
Based on a joke Flyingscotsman posted on the old forums-
Three men go into a bar. They get talking to the barman, "So where're you from, lads?" he asks, "London." says the first man "Glasgow" says the seccond, "Dublin" says the third The barman takes a look at the three of them "Is this a joke?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2005 22:28:02 GMT
Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2005 22:28:02 GMT
A man and his ostrich walks into Burger King. The man orders fries, soda, and a burger. waiter: is that all? man:yes and the ostrich will have the same. waiter: that will be $9.50 The man pulls out the exact change and leaves. The next day the man and his ostrich orders the same thing at BK and pays the same thing. The next day he orders the same thing and then the waiter asked how he pulls out the exact change every time. The man said I found a genie and he said he will grant me two wishes. The first was to make me take out the exact change when ever I want. The waiter said nice but how did you get the ostrich then. Well said the man my second wish was for a cute chick with long legs ;D That accidentally added up with this ostrich
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2005 0:44:16 GMT
Post by Aidan on Dec 15, 2005 0:44:16 GMT
The Titanic was on its maiden voyage, heading toward New York. On board the ship was a magician who performed every night in the lounge. The magician's parrot kept squawking out remarks like "It's under his coat!" or "It's behind his back!" whenever the magician made things disappear. Then, the Titanic collided with an iceberg and sank. The magician and parrot survived, having clung onto a wooden door. For a few days, neither of them spoke. Then at last the parrot shouted "All right! I give up! What've you done with the ship?!"
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2005 12:20:53 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Dec 15, 2005 12:20:53 GMT
This is a spoof from a brittish TV show! I think it's called just for laughs, but it's well funny! It's a spoof of Star Wars episode 4 "A new hope" And Obi wan Kenobi needs a suitable vehicle to get him to Leia's homeplace of Aldershot..... www.holylemon.com/StarwarsSpoof.html
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2005 12:36:03 GMT
Post by mstnoodle on Dec 15, 2005 12:36:03 GMT
Oh man that was funny!!!
Mstnoodle
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2005 13:56:12 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Dec 15, 2005 13:56:12 GMT
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Jokes
Dec 16, 2005 0:37:13 GMT
Post by Ryan on Dec 16, 2005 0:37:13 GMT
Had a witch in the car the other night...she touched my leg and I turned into a layby!
A man's wife returned after a day's shopping with her mother, in which she had borrowed the car. Her first words to him as she comes through the door are, "I have good news and bad news..." "Look, don't give me any bad news dear," said her husband, "I'm not in the mood! What's the good news?" "OK, your air bag works!"
Nearly ran over my ex-girlfriend's mother today...would have got her too if she hadn't have run up the town hall steps!
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Jokes
Dec 16, 2005 15:13:46 GMT
Post by FlyingScotsman on Dec 16, 2005 15:13:46 GMT
A man is driving along when he sees two monks, who are standing by the side of the road, holding a sign that says, 'THE END IS NEAR'. The man ignores them. A few seconds later, the monks hear a screech of brakes and a scream. One turns to the other and says, "Maybe we should just have written 'BRIDGE OUT.'"
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