SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2006 17:08:06 GMT
Post by SRapi on Mar 12, 2006 17:08:06 GMT
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. lol
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tom628
Goods Engine
[F4:@hackattackimer]
Posts: 425
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2006 15:31:35 GMT
Post by tom628 on Mar 18, 2006 15:31:35 GMT
Here's an American one:
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Bush are all in a room(And all alive). Suddenly a voice calls out, "Washington, what did you do for your country?" "I led them through a revolution!" replied Washington. "Lincoln, what did you do for your country?" asked the voice. Lincoln replied, "I led them through a civil war!" "Bill Clinton, what did you do for your country?" the voice asked. "Um..." said Clinton, "Pass? "Whatever," said the voice," George Bush, what did you do for your country?" "I got rid of Bill Clinton!" said Bush, and he took Clinton and threw him out the window.
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2006 18:28:42 GMT
Post by SRapi on Mar 18, 2006 18:28:42 GMT
That reminds me of a joke involving the Wiz of Oz.
George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Gerald Ford, and Jimmy Carter are in Emerald City talking to the Wizard of Oz. He asks them what they want. "Well," said Gerald Ford, "I think I need a brain." "Done," said the Wizard. "I," said George Bush,"need a heart." "It's yours," said the Wizard. "What about you?" "Let's see," said Jimmy Carter. "I-I need some courage." "You've got it." Said the Wizard. "And you, my friend," said the Wizard, pointing at Clinton. "What do you need?" Clinton looked up at the Wizard and said, "Is Dorothy around?"
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2006 3:55:04 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Mar 19, 2006 3:55:04 GMT
Here's some:
A blonde was driving her car down the road. The radio was having blonde jokes told, so she turned the radio off. She soon passed a field, where she saw another blonde trying to row a canoe through a CORNFIELD. She was very cross, so she stopped the car and walked to the fence.
"You know, It's people like you who make people think that people like me are stupid! IF I COULD SWIM I'D GO OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND!"
How about a longer one:
Two guys, Larry and Moe, walked into a bar and sat down to have a beer.
Five minutes later. a guy in a business suit walks in, and sits next to them, and has a drink.
"I wonder I kind of work he's in," whispered Larry to Moe.
Soon, the business man goes to the toilet, and Larry goes to. In the toilet, he meets up with the man.
"So, what work do you do?" "Oh, I'm a theoretical physisist." "A what?" "Better let me explain it. Do you have a goldfish?" "Why, Yes." "Now, presuming you have a goldfish, you must have a pond for it to live in." "Why, Yes." "Now, presuming you have a pond, you must have a big backyard." "Why, Yes. 3 acres." "Now, presuming you have a big backyard, you must have a big house." "Why, Yes. 2 storeys." "Now, presuming you have a big house, you must have a big family." "Why, Yes. 7 kids." "Now, presuming you have a big family, you must have a good love life with your wife." "Why, Yes." "You see? I just determined your love life, by asking whether you have a pet goldfish." "Wow," replied Larry.
Larry and the business man walk out, and the man leaves. Larry sits down next to Moe.
"You know that business guy?" "Yeh." "He's a theoretical physisist." "A what?" "Better let me explain. Do you have a goldfish?" "No." "WELL THEN YOU MUST BE GAY!"
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Assassin
Branch Line Engine
Posts: 1,255
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2006 4:07:36 GMT
Post by Assassin on Mar 19, 2006 4:07:36 GMT
Q: How is a classroom like an old car? A: Its full of nuts and has a crank at the front These two rednecks from Alabama are the last 2 people to enlist in World War II. The Army is out of bullets, so the arms supplier gives them empty guns. "Now" he said "If you want to fire this, Just go "Bangity-bang-bang" he said. The two hicks replied "Hey, y'all must think we're stupid or something'!!! Dat would never work!!" "You're right" says the arms supplier, "When you get close to an enemy go "Stabbity-stab-stab" with your bayonet." The hicks agree with this and go off to war. In the middle of a melee, they point their guns at the Germans and go "Bangity-bang-bang!!" And surprisingly, the solider falls! They continue on, making a solid line in front of them with their "Bangity-bang-bangs" & "Stabbity-stab-stabs" When finally they reach a HUGE solider in front of them. They try "Shooting" and "Stabbing" him, but nothing has any effect. He then runs right through them. After he has he turned around and said..................................."Tankity-Tank-Tank!!!" My uncle told me that one.
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2006 19:56:25 GMT
Post by dragonfox on Mar 19, 2006 19:56:25 GMT
Q: What bulges out of a gentlemen's trousers and is guarrenteed to make any woman go crazy?A: His wallet!Got you all going there, eh?
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2006 21:09:43 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Mar 19, 2006 21:09:43 GMT
Heh, good one! I've got one like that:
What's long, hard, and full of seamen?
A SUBMARINE!
(This joke is better told than written down)
Another blonde one:
A blonde was driving her car through a storm, when it started hailing. The car got all dints in it, and so the next day she took it to a mechanic.
"Can you fix my car?" she asked, "It's dinted." "Oh dear," replied the mechanic, "I don't need to fix it. You can just blow the dints out of it, by blowing through the exhaust pipe." "Oh, ok," said the blonde, and drove away.
The mechanic chuckled to himself, and continued working. The blonde got home, parked her car in the drive way, and got out. She bent down near the exhaust pipe, put her mouth around it, and blew. She blew and blew and blew, but the dints didn't come out. Her next door neighbour, another blonde, saw her doing this.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm blowing the dints out of my car," replied the blonde. "How silly!" said the other blonde, "You can't do that! YOU NEED TO WIND UP THE WINDOWS SO THE AIR WON'T GET OUT!"
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2006 21:34:32 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Mar 19, 2006 21:34:32 GMT
Q: What bulges out of a gentlemen's trousers and is guarrenteed to make any woman go crazy?A: His wallet!Got you all going there, eh? Fnarr fnarr By the way, 01Salty, I've heard a joke similiar to that one. Here it is: Two blondes drive to the beach. They get out and realise that they've shut the door and left the the keys in the car. One blonde tries to force one door open, the other blonde tries to open the other door with a coathanger. "Quick!" cries the first blonde. "It looks like it might rain!" "It had better not," huffed the second blonde. "The sunroof is open."
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2006 10:46:33 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Mar 20, 2006 10:46:33 GMT
LOL! ;D
Here's one:
What's black, white, black, white?
A NUN ROLLING DOWN A HILL!
What's black and white and laughing?
THE PRIEST WHO PUSHED HER!
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2006 18:01:14 GMT
Post by dragonfox on Mar 21, 2006 18:01:14 GMT
You're very good at jokes, 01salty. I was in an apalexy with the submarine one!
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2006 21:35:07 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Mar 21, 2006 21:35:07 GMT
Why Thankyou . I've been a joke fanatic since a young age. Here's another one: Three Little Pigs walks into a bar, and sit at the bar table. The bar tender goes to the first pig: "What would you like?" The pigs replies, "3 beers please." The first pig drinks it all. About ten miuntes later, the pig asks to go to the toilet. The bartender says, "Down the hall, to the left." Next, the bartender goes to the second pig. "What would you like?" "10 beers please," said the second pig. The pig drinks it all. About ten minutes later, he asks to go to the toilet. "Down the hall, to the left," says the bartender. Then, the bartender goes to the third pig. "And what would you like?" "20 beers please," said the third pig. The pig drinks it all. About ten minutes later, the pig says nothing. "Don't you want to ask where the toilet is?" asks the bartender. "Nah," replied the third pig, "I'd rather go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2006 17:49:02 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Mar 22, 2006 17:49:02 GMT
Great joke! I've got another two more: One from my dad, one from Viz magazine. THE PERFECT LIFESTYLEHow to have a perfect lifestyle in five easy steps. 1 - Get a woman who will love you for who you are. 2 - Get a woman who's good in the bedroom. 3 - Get a woman who will do whatever you want her to. 4 - Get a woman with a sense of humour. 5 - Make sure these four women never meet. -- "They say carbon monoxide is the silent killer in the home. Not in my house. It was my husband Fred." -- Rose West
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2006 20:15:00 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Mar 22, 2006 20:15:00 GMT
How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill!!!
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2006 21:05:04 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Mar 22, 2006 21:05:04 GMT
Those are good ones! ;D
Some Lawyer Ones:
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trout?
Ones a low-life scum-sucking bottom dweller. The other's a fish.
Here's Another One: A truckie was driving his semi truck down the road. He sees a priest on the side of the road, wanting a ride. Being the Catholic man this truckie is, he pulls over to let the preist have a ride.
About ten minutes later, he sees a lawyer on the side of the road.
"Oh," thought the truckie, "This might be a good chance."
So he swerves towards the lawyer to hit him. Then he realises he's sitting next to a priest. So, he swerves away at the last moment.
The truckie looks in his mirror, and sees the lawyer lying on the ground. The truckie is ashamed.
"I'm sorry Father," he said to the priest, "I didn't mean to hit him." "Oh, that's OK," replied the priest, "I opened my door and hit him!"
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2006 18:19:53 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Apr 2, 2006 18:19:53 GMT
New joke.
Three siblings are discussing names when they begin to ponder how they recieved their own. They decide to ask their parents.
The first child, a girl, asks Mother why she got the moniker "Penny". Mother replies, "When you were born, a nurse walked into the room with a bag of money. She tripped, a penny landed on your head."
The second child asks why he is called "Chip". Mother replies, "When you were born, a nurse walked into the room with a plate of chips. She tripped, and a solitary chip landed on your head."
The third child asked, "Nyumfliborgeflishm?" Mother replies, "Shut up, Brick."
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Truro
Branch Line Engine
Posts: 1,041
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2006 19:37:26 GMT
Post by Truro on Apr 2, 2006 19:37:26 GMT
A couple of Hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be berating, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. His friend gets out his mobile phone, and calls the emergency services. "Help! My friend is dead! What can I do?!" he gasps "Just take it easy." says the operator, in a calm, soothing tone, "I can help you. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard "Okay, now what?"
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2006 7:03:00 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 3, 2006 7:03:00 GMT
LOL! ;D Three blondes and a brunette were hanging from a rope over a cliff, arguing over who should fall. The three blondes look at the brunette. "Ah, I see," she said, "It's because my hair's a different colour. Well, it's like this.." And the brunette gives them a grand speech. Afterward, the blondes applaud for her.
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Richard
Passenger Engine
Posts: 697
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2006 20:54:19 GMT
Post by Richard on Apr 3, 2006 20:54:19 GMT
I get it, 01salty, LOL!
I have one.
There were three old women. On was 96, one 94, and one 92. The 96 year old goes up to take a bath. She steps in the tub, one foot in, one out. Then she can't remember if she's getting in or getting out, so she calls the 94 year old up.
The 94 year old starts walking up the stairs toward the bathroom, halfway she stops. She can't remember if she's going up or coming down the stairs. So she calls the 92 year old.
The 92 year old thinks she's so young, so she knocks on the wall for good luck. She turns, then opens the door and says, "Who's there?"
Get it?
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2006 21:14:06 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Apr 3, 2006 21:14:06 GMT
Good one Skarloey123. Here's one:
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking through the desert, when they come upon a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie pops out.
"One wish each," he said. "Ok, I wish to be home with my family!" said the brunette. POOF! She's back at home. "Um, I wish to be in the most famous casino in the world!" said the redhead. POOF! She's in Las Vegas. The blonde was pondering hard. "Oh, I'm pretty lonely here," she said, "I wish my friends were back here with me!"
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2006 23:44:54 GMT
Post by SRapi on Apr 8, 2006 23:44:54 GMT
Here's an old, classic riddle: what has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night?
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