|
Jokes
Jul 20, 2006 23:31:03 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Jul 20, 2006 23:31:03 GMT
Here's one from me. Well it's more of a funny monologue than anything, heard from one of the Student Enterprises Joke Books:
A Poem For Those Over Thirty (WARNING: This may be offensive, so delete if this is the case)
A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bites. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the rubbish Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived Cut you did with a pocketknife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
Stuart
|
|
|
Jokes
Jul 21, 2006 14:31:46 GMT
Post by dragonfox on Jul 21, 2006 14:31:46 GMT
Here's one from me. Well it's more of a funny monologue than anything, heard from one of the Student Enterprises Joke Books: A Poem For Those Over Thirty (WARNING: This may be offensive, so delete if this is the case) A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bites. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the rubbish Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived Cut you did with a pocketknife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead. Stuart LOL! That's one of the greatest things I've read in a while.
|
|
|
Jokes
Jul 21, 2006 15:22:03 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Jul 21, 2006 15:22:03 GMT
Glad you liked it, Dragonfox. Here's another one, from the same jokebook.
A Scotsman got on a bus in London. He put his suitcase under the stairs and said: "Tower of London, please." The driver said: "That's 60p plus 10p for the suitcase." "What!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "I'm not paying for the suitcase." The driver said: "If you don't pay up, I'm throwing the suitcase off the bus." Still, the Scotsman refused to pay, so the driver picked up the case, and threw it off the bus, straight into the River Thames. The Scotsman was furious. He screamed: "You're not satisfied with trying to rob me, you English crook, but you're also trying to drown me wee boy as well!"
Stuart
|
|
SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
|
Jokes
Jul 26, 2006 3:42:51 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jul 26, 2006 3:42:51 GMT
A man goes to the doctor's office. The doctor has a very sad face. "Sir, I have some bad news and some worse news." "What's bad news, doctor?" "The bad news is that you're going to die tomorrow." "Oh my god. What could be worse than that?" "The worse news is, I was supposed to tell you that yesterday."
|
|
RHM
Shunting Engine
I am a 'night' person...having a hard time getting to sleep -_-;;
Posts: 26
|
Jokes
Jul 26, 2006 5:55:04 GMT
Post by RHM on Jul 26, 2006 5:55:04 GMT
Good one. ^^;
Hmmm. Here are some jokes that I saw in a joke book (but I'll bet you heard of them)
1. A football team was about to start a game for the semifinals. Everyone was ready. But suddenly the coach had to go to the bank. Why? Ans) He had to get his quarter back.
2. An American went to the country of France for a tour. But suddenly, on the first day, he had a headache. So he went to the pharmacy. Since he didn't know how to speak French, he pointed to his head and made a frowning face. The owner nodded with sympathy, and then gave a blue bottle full of liquid to the man. Later in the evening, the man went to the hotel manager and asked him how much he would have to take. The manager looked at the bottle and shrugged. "The whole bottle, I guess." The man opened the bottle and tipped it toward his mouth. Suddenly, the manager stopped him. "No, no!" The manager took the bottle. "This isn't for drinking! It's hair dye!"
3. A mail delivery man went to a house on the coast to deliver a package. He knocked on the door, and a boy opened it. The man asked the boy if the boy's father was at the house. The boy shook his head. So the man then questioned, "What's your father's name?" The boy replied, " My father is Laughing." The man frowned, then asked. "What's your mother's name?" Reply: "My mother is Smiling." The man was angry now. "Are you kidding?" The boy smiled and replied, "No, that's my sister. I am Kidding."
4. The airplane cargo checking team (whatever that crew is called) was checking the luggages that came out from a cargo plane. One of the workers screamed, after finding a dead dog in one of the bags. The manager panicked, and immidiately had a talk with the handling squad about this mistake. The dog had a name tag. So the manager bought another dog that looked just like the dead one and attached the name tag to it. Later the manager went to the house that was supposed to have the package delivered to. A woman opened it. "Here you go, madam." The manager said. "Here's your dog." The woman suddenly made a surprising face. "No way! This is not my dog! It can't be!" Manager panicked. "Why? It has your name tag on it!" The woman said, "My dog died while my husband and I were on vacation at Sydney. So we sent it to our house to give it a funeral!" (Note : This was a hard joke to understand - at least for me.)
|
|
|
Jokes
Jul 26, 2006 14:11:32 GMT
Post by dragonfox on Jul 26, 2006 14:11:32 GMT
What... the... hell...
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 2, 2006 12:27:51 GMT
Post by dragonfox on Aug 2, 2006 12:27:51 GMT
Well, eating unhealthily IS considered a sin according to Tim's dietician (who's over-weight).
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 2, 2006 13:19:24 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Aug 2, 2006 13:19:24 GMT
I laughed, but I really shouldn't have. Still, not as bad as that bishop who claimed traveling abroad was a sin...
|
|
Rheneas
Passenger Engine
Looks familiar, doesn't it?
Posts: 686
|
Jokes
Aug 3, 2006 21:09:12 GMT
Post by Rheneas on Aug 3, 2006 21:09:12 GMT
Here's a tough situation... You are riding a horse at a constant speed. There is a tiger chasing you at the same speed. Unfortunately, there is kangaroo in front of you travelling at the same speed as you and the tiger, a camel to your left that is also travelling as fast, and a dropoff to your right. How do you escape the tiger? Get your drunken self off of the merry-go-round!
|
|
Proteus
Passenger Engine
Not everything needs a concrete answer.
Posts: 630
|
Jokes
Aug 6, 2006 1:56:50 GMT
Post by Proteus on Aug 6, 2006 1:56:50 GMT
You know what I can't stand. People who move to computers from the phone. They would rather type their conversations out.
"How are you?"
"That's good. So am I."
"Why don't we get on the phone? 'Cause this is taking way too ******* long."
And they've slowed the airport proccess. For example:
"Mike Lyons?" typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype typetypetypetype - click on the mouse - typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype "L-Y-O-N-S?" typetypetypetypetypetypetypetype
And do you know why the monitors facing away from you? 'Cause they're playing a video game. That's what they're doing.
"Tenth level! I am the War Lord. I am the War Lord! You will adress me as the War Lord."
Every new piece of technology brings new problems. Example:
"Oh the computer's down. Computer's down, whole world stops, computer's down. Aaaaall gone. I just know how to use 'em. I don't know how to fix 'em." "Well, do you know how to pick up a pen? Let's go. Comeon. What am I standing here for?"
It was better the old way.
"Oh the pen's down. Oh, look. Another one."
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 31, 2006 20:04:55 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Aug 31, 2006 20:04:55 GMT
The world's oldest man died yesterday. From birthday beatings! If many take offence to this I will gladly remove it.
|
|
Proteus
Passenger Engine
Not everything needs a concrete answer.
Posts: 630
|
Jokes
Sept 3, 2006 22:06:44 GMT
Post by Proteus on Sept 3, 2006 22:06:44 GMT
There were cops having a fund raiser for cancer research. They called themselves Cops for Cancer. Now I know this is going to a good cause, but shouldn't it be called Cops agianst Cancer? I heard one of them saying "Hey, we're gonna grab a pack of smokes. Wanna come? Great. No, you don't have to bring sun block."
The word Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so you can read it in your reer-view mirror. As if you have no other clue that it's an ambulance. "Hey! Stop tail-gating me you sod. What the? Ecnalubma? Oh God, it's a french ice cream truck ain't it?"
|
|
Ronnie
Passenger Engine
I'm Great Western!
Posts: 727
|
Jokes
Sept 5, 2006 20:29:48 GMT
Post by Ronnie on Sept 5, 2006 20:29:48 GMT
If you think picking your nose means choosing which one to put on today, you might be Michael Jackson.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 6, 2006 13:17:09 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Sept 6, 2006 13:17:09 GMT
Michael Jackson has decided on one last remix. He's mixed his eyes, nose and mouth around.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 6, 2006 21:15:53 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Sept 6, 2006 21:15:53 GMT
On the topic of Michael Jackson: What is the time according to Michael Jackson? The big hand on the little hand. What does an X Box and Michael Jackson have in common? Both are plastic and children turn them on.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 7, 2006 0:29:48 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Sept 7, 2006 0:29:48 GMT
One last Michael Jackson joke:
Nigel dies and goes to Heaven. God shows him around, but first they walk through the office. Angels sit working at desks, each one has a clock on their desk.
"What are they doing?" Nigel asks.
"Each angel is a representative of someone on Earth," God explains. "They keep track of all the things their person does."
"I see," Nigel responds. "What about those clocks?"
"The clock represents the person's life," God continues. "If the clock is going fast then someone has made many mistakes and their life is getting shorter."
"My," Nigel murmurs. "Mind, I'd love to see a celebrity's."
"You can come with me and see Michael Jackson's," God tells him. "I've been using it on my desk as a fan."
|
|
SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
|
Jokes
Sept 17, 2006 23:45:58 GMT
Post by SRapi on Sept 17, 2006 23:45:58 GMT
Here's a Rodney Dangerfield joke: I tried marijuana once. Only once though. I didn't know what I was doing, I was on cocaine at the time. lol ;D
|
|
Proteus
Passenger Engine
Not everything needs a concrete answer.
Posts: 630
|
Jokes
Sept 24, 2006 1:43:13 GMT
Post by Proteus on Sept 24, 2006 1:43:13 GMT
Heard this one on Comedy Now! a few hours ago.
If I'm injured and I go to the hospital, I'd just go to medical school, graduate and fix the problem myself. It'd be a lot faster than waiting in the waiting room.
I bet that about half of the injuries are unimportant while others are serious. The next time you're in the waiting room, go around and ask everyone what's wrong with them. I did it one time.
"So what are you here for?" "I got shot."
"I got stabbed."
"My butt's ichy."
"Someone hurt my feelings." "Well, get outta here. I don't care if someone hurt your feelings. I hurt them even more. Get out! And scratch his ass on the way."
|
|
|
Jokes
Feb 17, 2007 13:10:19 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Feb 17, 2007 13:10:19 GMT
Here's one or two from my new joke book:
Little Tommy is sitting on a park bench, stuffing a bag of pick-and-mix into his mouth, when an old lady comes over to tell him off.
"Son," she says. "don't you know that eating all those sweets will rot your teeth and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replies Tommy. "Did he always eat a whole bag of sweets in one go?" retorts the old lady. "No," answers Tommy, "but he did mind his own business."
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them:
"You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he'd rather have her shipped home. The undertaker asked:
"Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful for her to be buries here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Stuart
|
|
Suzanne
Shunting Engine
WAAAAHZ!
Posts: 75
|
Jokes
Feb 17, 2007 22:58:00 GMT
Post by Suzanne on Feb 17, 2007 22:58:00 GMT
Great jokes everyone! ;D
Here's one I was told many aeons ago:
Little Jimmy is behind his friend Sammy in the school canteen one lunchtime. When they get to the till to pay for their lunches, Sammy produces a huge amount of cash.
"Where did you get all that money?" asks Jimmy. "From my parents. It's easy, all you have to say is, 'I know the truth.' Why don't you try it?"
So when Jimmy gets home that night he goes to talk to his father, who is reading the paper.
"Hello, Son," he says. "Did you have a good day?"
"I know the truth, Daddy." says little Jimmy.
His dad looks worried, gives him £20 and says, "Alright, but please don't tell your mother."
Jimmy, rather surprised that the tactic worked, went to speak to his mother.
"I know the truth, Mummy," he says.
His mother looks a bit stricken, gives him £40 and says, "Take this, but don't tell your father."
Jimmy, realizing he's on to a good thing, decides to try his trick on the postman the next day. When the postman arrives, Jimmy is waiting and says "I know the truth." The postman drops his mailbag, opens his arms and says, "Well, come and give your daddy a hug then!"
|
|