The Vicar
Passenger Engine
Formerly known as TheRyanCarMan on YouTube.
Posts: 915
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Jokes
May 29, 2011 6:29:12 GMT
Post by The Vicar on May 29, 2011 6:29:12 GMT
Here's a bad one.
Knock knock. Who's there? Pile up. Pile up who?
Yeah. Say it fast.
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Jun 13, 2011 2:16:32 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jun 13, 2011 2:16:32 GMT
Ugh, I only got that one after I repeated it out loud...
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Post by Zek the Steam on Jun 13, 2011 21:35:48 GMT
Only one, but he has to be quick or else things get really confusing.
How many time travelers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Maxine
Passenger Engine
Posts: 593
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Jokes
Jun 21, 2011 23:09:05 GMT
Post by Maxine on Jun 21, 2011 23:09:05 GMT
Only one, but he has to be quick or else things get really confusing. How many time travelers does it take to screw in a light bulb? That one took me a few minutes to get.
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2011 3:56:12 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jul 5, 2011 3:56:12 GMT
Not really a joke to tell, but one that I heard that I thought was groan-worthy. At a TV ceremony for 30 years of Star Trek, someone commented that Leonard Nimoy (Spock) had an ear for detail.
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altoclarinets
Shunting Engine
In an absolutely unexpected revelation... I'm still here.
Posts: 80
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2011 20:43:44 GMT
Post by altoclarinets on Jul 5, 2011 20:43:44 GMT
Once upon a time I had this fish. It was a singing fish, and I sing pretty well too, so we made a plan. We were going to go on a tour and perform at many different venues across the country, because there are many people who would pay money to see a singing fish. Anyway, we started rehearsing and preparing for this tour, when I realized we had a real deal-breaker of a problem: He sings off key, and I don't know how to tuna fish. Yes, I know, lame... I also remember this one...^^ A traveler went to New York City. But he didn't know a single English word. So he just walked around, listening to any words that came to his ear. When he passed a music shop, the owner was tuning a guitar belonging to a customer. The owner was saying, "Mi, mi, mi..." (As in Do, Re, Mi....) The traveler listened to it.... When he passed a restaurant, the owner was ordering some things he needed by the telephone. He was ordering many things including forks and knives. The traveler heard it... When he passed a pizza shop, the delivery man was hurrying to deliver a pizza. The pizza shop's owner was standing by the door, shouting "Hurry! Hurry!" (Quote : reminds me of Thomas the Tank Engine, again ^-^; The traveler heard this.... Later, the traveler was walking down the street when he was passing a dead man's body. He seemed to be murdered quite horribly....blood was smeared around the body and it was a total mess. Two police officers came, and questioned the traveler.... "Who did this?" "Mi, mi, mi." (As in "Me, me, me.") "What in the world did you use?!" "Forks and knives." The officers took out handcuffs. "You're going to jail, right now!!" The traveler : "Hurry, hurry!!!" ....that's it. ^^;;; The version I have heard of this makes use of a distinctly Texan punishment named Old Sparky and a certain line from old Glade air freshener commercials...
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2011 22:37:27 GMT
Post by MRHloco on Jul 8, 2011 22:37:27 GMT
Having just read through this thread, I came across a very interesting joke Trainzfan did back in 2007 involving the vision of the end of a tunnel. Well, here's a joke I've spontaneously invented that's partly inspired by that theme. * Picture the dialogue between two night workers at the western end of Box Tunnel at night in winter. One is a slightly bluff Yorkshireman with surprisingly limited experience for all his senior elements, the other a young West Countryman with a polite Phil Harding-esque element to him and more sense than his superior realises. All voices are heard echoing off the tunnel roof in the silence of the night: Platelayer 1: Pity ye're scared of the dark, Wells. Jus' don' know what the end of a tunnel can offer. Platelayer 2: With respect, Mr Malham, Sir, I'm young yet. Anyway, I'm merely tryin' ter do my job - see what's really there... ( Startled Gasp) An' I think I 'ave! Platelayer 1: ( Scornfully) Really? Well, jus' what 'ave ye seen, then, brainbox? Some tipsy hound with a broken leg?! ( Laughs) Platelayer 2: Good guess...but not quite! Platelayer 1: Eh? Righ', well, er... what then? Sunrise on Brunel's birthday? Platelayer 2: ( Innocently) Er, no. That's still about...5 months away! I thought you said you were the next great Paxman. Platelayer 1: ( Thinking Like Mad) The...incinerating temper of LMS Fury on GWR metals? ( Stifles A Splutter Of Mirth) Platelayer 2: ( Astounded) No! Completely tactless guess! Don' ye know that engine was a thermopdynamic killer?! Platelayer 1: ( Shrugs) Well, fair enough but...I've just abou' given up! Short of a monster made of Oolitic Limestone, as was dug up 'ere, what's got yer legs shakin'? Platelayer 2: Er...well, how about the fact that we're standing right in the path of the Midnight Bristolian bearin' down on us with a Polar Express blizzard in its wake?! Amid a defeaning whistle, both men leap clear of the track and flatten themselves against the wall of the tunnel facade! Barely seconds later, the Midnight Bristol charges from the tunnel and ploughs on towards Bath and Bristol! * This is the first official attempt at a joke I've made here - hope it takes to your liking.
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2011 3:59:23 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jul 27, 2011 3:59:23 GMT
"Hey look, that's the school for the deaf." "School for the deaf? Never heard of it."
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The Vicar
Passenger Engine
Formerly known as TheRyanCarMan on YouTube.
Posts: 915
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Jokes
Jul 4, 2012 2:48:23 GMT
Post by The Vicar on Jul 4, 2012 2:48:23 GMT
Any Albertans here?
Why does Alberta get so much wind? Because Saskatchewan sucks and BC blows!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2012 15:06:12 GMT
Post by Old Fusspot on Jul 5, 2012 15:06:12 GMT
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
I had an adiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Aug 13, 2012 19:06:47 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2012 19:06:47 GMT
a musician was learning sheet notes. Teacher: This is half notes. Musician: I thought notes were whole, not half!
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FlyingFordFalcon
Goods Engine
I challenge you to do the impossible; make me happy.
Posts: 229
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Jokes
Aug 14, 2012 0:36:27 GMT
Post by FlyingFordFalcon on Aug 14, 2012 0:36:27 GMT
A man and his friends ran into a bar one by one.
man 1: Give us a drink before the trouble starts!
man 2 walks in
man 2: Give us a drink before the trouble starts!
man 3 walks in
man 3: Give us a drink before the trouble starts!
Bartender gives the men three drinks.
bartender: okay, so that's 1, 2, 3 drinks. who's paying?
Man 1: looks like the troubles started.
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Jokes
Aug 14, 2012 20:03:01 GMT
Post by Georgemiser on Aug 14, 2012 20:03:01 GMT
Heres a few ''She was only'' jokes.
She was only the Salesman's daughter, but she knew how to place her product!
She was only the Fisherman's daughter, but when she saw my rod she reeled!
She was only the Archivist's daughter, but her volumes were all well stacked!
She was only the Bos'n's daughter, but we found her rear admirable!
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The Vicar
Passenger Engine
Formerly known as TheRyanCarMan on YouTube.
Posts: 915
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Jokes
Aug 16, 2012 6:05:41 GMT
Post by The Vicar on Aug 16, 2012 6:05:41 GMT
A plane came in for a landing. It was rough and a little bit dangerous. The passengers didn't know who to complain to.
It wasn't the pilot's fault. It wasn't the airline's fault. It wasn't the stewardesses' fault. It wasn't the control towers fault. It was the asphalt.
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Jokes
Aug 17, 2012 16:16:19 GMT
Post by Devious Diesel on Aug 17, 2012 16:16:19 GMT
Four travellers were walking in the woods when they got lost. After a whole day of walking backwards and forwards, they arrived at a clearing with no clue as to where they were. They desperately pressed on until, at last, they saw a signpost. There were four signs attached, but these only said "North", "South", "East" and "West".
"Well, I'm not walking any further" said the first traveller, "I propose we sleep under the signpost."
And so it was agreed. Traveller 1 decided to sleep under the North sign. Traveller 2 chose the South sign, Traveller 3 chose East and Traveller 4 chose West. Each one settled under their respective sign, climbed into their sleeping bags and tried their best to catch some sleep.
The next morning, they were just waking up when a policeman appeared. The travellers were relieved, thinking they could ask him for directions. Instead, they were shocked when he ran up to Traveller 4, put him in handcuffs and began to drag him away. "Hey! What did I do!?" protested Traveller 4. The policeman grimly pointed to the sign. "You're Under A West!"
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2012 3:37:49 GMT
Post by SRapi on Aug 30, 2012 3:37:49 GMT
What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge? Close the door, I'm dressing! Pretty bad, I know.
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2014 18:07:12 GMT
Post by Eden on Jan 6, 2014 18:07:12 GMT
. Velcro: what a rip off.
. I refuse to work in a coal mine. It's beneath me.
. My favourite composer is Handle, who later teamed up with Hinge and Bracket to form the Doors.
. *Phone rings. I pick up* Who's speaking, please? *Voice:* You are.
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Andrew B.
Goods Engine
Allon-sy Alonso!
Posts: 111
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Jokes
Jan 13, 2014 17:08:17 GMT
Post by Andrew B. on Jan 13, 2014 17:08:17 GMT
I'll have a crack at one or two jokes then! (after all, what else is a person to laugh at?) A few old Australian jokes and some railway ones too. Might be one or two off colour words used, tried to remove them from the jokes so if you are offened, don't be affraid to tell me.
A play on the underwhelming boring of wandering around Australia Two bushmen are walking through the outback, they've spent months walking together, sharing food, work and money as the walked around, they come to pass a dead horse by the side of the track one day, one man looks it over and the keep walking. They set-up camp for the night and are both lying in their sleeping bags when one man says "That dead ox was the worst smell I've ever come across" "That wasn't an ox" said his friend "That was a horse" He wakes up next morning to find his companion gone, along with half of their supplies, he sees a note on the ground. Reading it, it says: "There is far too much arguement in this camp, from now on I'm on my own!"
Heard these two weeks ago, supposed to be true! WW1 and the middle of winter, the troops are excited that King George himself is coming to visit, he arrives at the English trenches in his Rolls Royce with his thick winter coat on and is given full respect from the troops, he does the same to the Canadians and so on with the forces. Finally he reaches the Austrlaian trenches, they've been standing in the cold for hours waiting for the king, he inspects them, says a few words and turns to leave, just as he does one of the troops shouted out "WOULD YOU MIND GIVING US YOUR COAT?" (And the poor man got in trouble for that!)
Boer war, An English general is visiting the Australian camp (Why do we always cause trouble?) and he hears some of-colour remarks from the soliders (Keeping in mind this is the 1800's at this point!) and in particular, one remark where the cook is called a b*****d, The general is furious and calls all the troops to attention, outside in the boiling sun. After an hour he asks the men: "Who called this cook a b******d?" One solider steps forward "Good man, nice to see you taking charge of your responsibilites!" "No sir" repleid the solider "I just want to know who called that b******d a cook!"
Railwayana is a major part of Australia's folklore, mind you it's hard finding a clean version to tell! This one is an old classic of mine, originally written by Maurie Fields, a comedy hero, I've added some story on though for atmosphere Victorian Railways is doing a series of tests on all their employees. The District Engineer (D.E) gets around, checking on all his staff, wondering why it should be his job to check on everyone. One day he goes to meet with the man who runs the Sunshine level crossing (Back when all the gates were hand operated) He starts the interview at a local bar with the signalman proposing this scenario: "Say a truck has gone and stalled on the tracks then, what would you do?" "Well I'd help the truckie move it!" replied the signalman "You can't, he's passed out in the bushes" "Then I'd move the truck myself!" "You can't, the engine is dead" "Then I'd radio in and tell control the trucks there!" "Nope, radios dead, big storm" "Fine! I'd go out and wave that train down with a red flag!" "You can't, it's nighttime" By now the signalman is annoyed at the manner of the D.E and the other patrons in the bar are hanging on their every word. "You know what I'd do then mate?" replied the signalman "I'd get the wife" "What could your wife do?" asked the D.E "Nothing, but she's never seen a huge train crash before!"
Another real story this time! Back in the 50's it was required that every worker on the Victorian Railways would fill out a work list, showing what they did and for how long each day so they would get paid, it also offered a unique insight into the actions of the honest staff! Tommy failed school and the only job he could get was cleaning out the sheep vans at the local saleyards, so his work list looked like this Monday Shovellin' s**** - 8 hours Tuesday Shovellin' s**** - 8 hours Wednesday Shovellin' s**** - 8 hours
And so on, until next week when it would start over again. Keep in mind this was back in the 50's and such language was very offensive, one of Tommy's workmates who went to the head office every so often went to see him one day. "Tom, the girls in the office are getting a bit upset about you using the word s*** on the paperwork, they'd prefer if you used a word like "excrement" instead."
Tommy look his friend right in the eyes and said "Mate, if I could spell excrement do you think I'd be working here all day shovellin' s****?"
And one last one, more of an urban legend! Once again the prudishness of 50's Australia mean that calling someone who wasn't your spouse an affectionate term was highly frowned upon!
Its the start of a workshift and Barry's waiting for his fireman, who is running late for once. Barry's just about ready to go to his house and drag him to the station when he sees a young man come sprinting towards the engine. He leaps into the cab "Names Charlie!" he pants "They said William was off sick today and I only just got the call out!" Barry is in no mood to talk "What's yer name then?" "Err... Charlie!" "No, your christian name mate! Always call a man by his christian name!" "Darling sir!" Barry looks at him and turns back to the window "Okay Charlie, start shovelling"
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Mar 5, 2016 17:28:37 GMT
Post by SRapi on Mar 5, 2016 17:28:37 GMT
It's been way too long since someone posted in this thread. Let's gets these jokes rolling again! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. It's all uphill from here.
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ThomasandMatt
Goods Engine
Proud Bartender of the SiF Bar Car
Posts: 353
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Post by ThomasandMatt on Mar 5, 2016 23:40:17 GMT
Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?"
He was studying foreign languages.
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