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Jokes
Nov 22, 2007 14:23:29 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Nov 22, 2007 14:23:29 GMT
What's the Difference between the England football team and a pyromaniac?
A pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!
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Jokes
Nov 22, 2007 22:42:37 GMT
Post by number1 on Nov 22, 2007 22:42:37 GMT
on a similar note:
police found a man stabbed to death on a bus, he was wearing high heels, suspenders, makeup, norwich city FC shorts, earings and an england shirt. police kept the england shirt under wraps so as not to embarass his family.
also, rumours that the american military are set to recruit englands outfield players due to their shot accuracy meeting the required standard are unconfirmed.
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Jokes
Nov 23, 2007 0:31:43 GMT
Post by Kyle on Nov 23, 2007 0:31:43 GMT
Here's a good soccer (or as you call it, football) joke for you all. Beware, the punchline is nasty!
Three English soccer fans are stuck in the desert with only their camel. After days without food they decide that they must eat the camel if they wish to live "Well," said the first man, "I go for Manchester United, so I guess I'll eat the chest" "Fine by me," says the second man, "I go for Liverpool, so I guess I'll eat the liver" The third man says, "Well, I go for Arsenal, so I'm going to keep walking!"
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Jokes
Nov 25, 2007 21:19:38 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Nov 25, 2007 21:19:38 GMT
For you football fans: "The OXO company has made a cube based on England's recent football performance - it's called The Laughing Stock."
Also, Stepneydude's Tips For Pissing Off Heavy Metal Fans Tip #11 - go to an Iron Maiden concert in a tasteless suit with bowtie and spats and everything, sit down in a thoughtful position on your chair the whole time, and then clap politely when they finish a song, whispering to the guy next to you "that was quite good, I found it rather enjoyable."
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Jokes
Nov 26, 2007 15:56:07 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Nov 26, 2007 15:56:07 GMT
What do you call an Englishman at Euro 2008?
Ref.
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CM
Goods Engine
Posts: 362
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Jokes
Nov 29, 2007 15:26:28 GMT
Post by CM on Nov 29, 2007 15:26:28 GMT
How do the engines hear?
Engineers Engine-ears!
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Jokes
Dec 20, 2007 18:10:11 GMT
Post by Culdee Fell on Dec 20, 2007 18:10:11 GMT
What's Father Christmas' favourite type of pizza? Deep-pan, crisp and even.
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Jokes
Mar 6, 2008 9:29:12 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Mar 6, 2008 9:29:12 GMT
Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London underground system).
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with: 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'Stand Clear of the Doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #@&%! - sideways."
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Jokes
Mar 6, 2008 13:17:42 GMT
Post by number1 on Mar 6, 2008 13:17:42 GMT
sadly a lot of the jokes I know are either double entendres (which don't work in writing) or witty responses, however I heard this one a couple of nights ago:
A duck walked into a bar, and he asked the barman 'have you got any nuts?', the barman replied 'no we don't', so the duck went away, he came back the next day and asked 'have you got any nuts?' the barman replied 'sorry, I told you yesterday, we haven't got nuts', the duck went away again and returned the following day and asked the same question again,much to the barman's annoyance so he said 'look, if you come in here asking for nuts again I'll hit you over the head with a hammer'. The duck returned the next day and asked 'have you got a hammer?' and the barman said 'no' so the duck said 'in that case have you got any nuts?'
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2008 9:26:37 GMT
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2008 9:26:37 GMT
A man warked into a Bar, OW!!!! a classic and some good old Viola jokes, I should know them (we are the joke central of the orchestra) the Orchestra Conductor is lying in the road, and a viola player, which do you run over first!! the conductor, because you put business before pleasure!
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2008 13:45:43 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Apr 12, 2008 13:45:43 GMT
Stepneydude's Tips For Pissing Off Bill Kaulitz
Forget how to pronounce his surname. Just call him Bill, "the one with big girl hair".
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2008 15:48:45 GMT
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2008 15:48:45 GMT
How many Viola Players does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
1 to bake them and 19 to peel the smarties!
;D
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Jokes
Apr 17, 2008 17:24:23 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Apr 17, 2008 17:24:23 GMT
As no-one on SiF supports Arsenal I think it's safe to put this gem up.
ARSENAL F.C. End of Season Dinner Dance
Starter
Egg on Face Seasoned Hash Frogs legs (past their best) Spanish Surprise (well beaten)
Main course
Humble Pie Chump Chops French (has) Beans Manager's Beef (not rare) Catch of the Day - (gutted) NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.
Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow) Fruitless Tarts Raspberry Fools Hard Cheese
Drinks
Bitter Little Spirit French Whine Cabernet Empty 2008 Champagne - sorry none ordered STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES
NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.
Guests are asked not to get HAMMERED
Guest Speakers: Sir Alex Ferguson, Rafael Benitez & Jose Mourinho on the key to success
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BluePioneer
Passenger Engine
As seen on Modellers Corner
Posts: 732
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Jokes
Apr 19, 2008 20:56:58 GMT
Post by BluePioneer on Apr 19, 2008 20:56:58 GMT
This famous man 'call him Bob' enters a resturant, a young girl asks for his autograph, so he signs a menu, as hes doing that the butler comes towards him
Butler: why you write on menu? Bob: because this young girl wants my autograph Butler: what you mean by Autograph? Bob: she has seen me on television so she wants me to sign my name Butler: on Television? what are you Sports, News, Rugby? Bob: no no, i'm a comedian Butler: ahh.....let me see you change colour!
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Jokes
May 1, 2008 23:06:29 GMT
Post by stuart7 on May 1, 2008 23:06:29 GMT
Here's a few corkers for you:
Q: Why did the farmer have bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet?
A: Because he had foot and mouth disease.
And, for good measure, something my old college friend made up when Wales went up against France in the Grand Slam recently:
Our Father, who art in the Millenium Henson be thy name. Thy grandslam come. Tries will be done, By Hook, Peel and Williams. Give us this day our daily Bread of Heaven. And forgive us our offside. As we ruck those who trespass against us. And lead us not into bad discipline, But deliver us from France. For Wales is the kingdom, The dragon and the daffodill, Forever and ever. Amen.
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PC Stratford
Passenger Engine
I'm a walking television show. I can't get away from it.
Posts: 755
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Jokes
May 6, 2008 21:55:05 GMT
Post by PC Stratford on May 6, 2008 21:55:05 GMT
Can't remember if I told this one before, but here it is anyway!
A man goes into a chemist's shop and asks the chemist, "Have you got any sleeping pills for the wife?". He says "Yes, why?" "She's woken up!"
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Jokes
Jun 6, 2008 12:17:07 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Jun 6, 2008 12:17:07 GMT
One day a driver calls the signalman and asks him for the time. The signalman responds by asking him what TOC he works for… The driver is a little p*ssed and snaps "What difference does that make?" "Well," the signalman explains, "if you work for Virgin it's 2 pm; if you work for Southwest Trains it's 1400; if you work for EWS the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2; and if you work for FGW it's Tuesday!"
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Jokes
Jun 12, 2008 11:22:07 GMT
Post by Father Austin Purcell on Jun 12, 2008 11:22:07 GMT
The Times recently had a Communist Joke contest, and some of the entries are, in my opinion, too funny to pass up.
* * * * *
A US General and a Soviet General bump into one another at an armaments conference. They begin discussing the welfare of their troops.
“My troops are well fed,” boasts the Soviet General. “They get 2500 calories a day!” “In that case,” says the American General, “mine are even better off. They get 5000 calories a day.” “Rubbish!” shouts the Soviet. “There’s not a man alive who can eat that many potatoes in one day!”
* * * * *
A man joins a queue outside a Moscow butcher’s shop. After three hours he loses his temper, and shouts “That’s it, I’ve had it up to here with these long queues. I’m going to assassinate Stalin.”
He storms off, to a chorus of cheers from the crowd.
Three hours later he comes back and sidles into his place in the queue once more. “Did you kill Stalin then?” asks the man behind him. “Nah,” replies the first man. “The queue was too long.”
* * * * *
One day, Stalin summoned Beria (the head of the NKVD) to his office. “Comrade Beria,” he said, “last night I placed my watch on this desk. I cannot find it now. I think someone may have stolen it. Make some inquiries, will you?” “Yes, Comrade,” Beria replied and went away to do his duty.
Two hours later Stalin called Beria back. “Everything is alright, Beria. I’ve found my watch. It turns out I put it on top of the drinks cabinet, not in my desk.” “Are you sure about this, Comrade?” asked Beria. “Only I have 250 people out here who’ve confessed to stealing it.”
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Jan 2, 2009 5:39:22 GMT
Post by SRapi on Jan 2, 2009 5:39:22 GMT
I got these from the Mythbusters, when they had to get drunk for some reason (I can't remember what myth they were busting). What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
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Little Engine
Goods Engine
"But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.""
Posts: 332
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Jokes
Jan 2, 2009 5:53:14 GMT
Post by Little Engine on Jan 2, 2009 5:53:14 GMT
Wow, those win the "So Corny They're Funny" award. Good old Mythbusters. I remember watching them bust that myth. But I don't really remember the myth either (whether you have worse face recognition, or something like that?), and I didn't remember those jokes.
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