BluePioneer
Passenger Engine
As seen on Modellers Corner
Posts: 732
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Jokes
Jan 22, 2009 16:33:17 GMT
Post by BluePioneer on Jan 22, 2009 16:33:17 GMT
Harry: I want a word with you Ted, your dog ate my hat the other day Ted: I don't care, it was a horrible old thing anyway Harry: I really don't like your atitude Ted: No it wasn't my hat he chewed it was your hat he chewed!
What did the boy say when he saw a Snail driving a miniature Saab?
Look at that S car go!
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2009 2:37:22 GMT
Post by SRapi on Feb 2, 2009 2:37:22 GMT
A man goes into a bar and starts drinking the night away. Pretty soon he sees it's time to go home because the wife would know he was out drinking. However, as soon as he got up, he fell down. Every time the man picks himself up, he falls back down. So, shrugging his shoulders, he drags himself back home, on the way trying many times to stand up, but keeps on falling down. When he gets home, he opens the door as quietly as he could, and shut as quietly as he could. He then dragged himself up the stairs without making a sound, dragged into his room, pulled himself onto the bed and passed out. The next morning, his wife is standing above him looking very angry. "You've been out drinking," she said. "I have not," he denied. "Yes you have," she said. "How do you know?" "The bartender called this morning. He said you forgot your wheelchair again."
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asprail
Disabled Account
Posts: 315
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Jokes
Apr 14, 2009 22:02:16 GMT
Post by asprail on Apr 14, 2009 22:02:16 GMT
Scotsman: Tower of London, please. Bus Driver: That'll be 40p plus 10p for the suitcase. Scotsman: What!? I'm not payin' for the suitcase. Bus Driver: If you don't pay up, I'm throwing the suitcase off the bus. Scotsman: You English crook! What do you mean by stealin' my money and drownin' my wee boy as well?
What's the difference between going to a singles' bar and going to the circus? - At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Irate Motorist: Hi! How long will this train be? Signalman: Engine and six coaches, I suppose.
What's the alternative definition to the luxury car of death? - Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost. Note to asprail: I've merged your multiple consecutive posts into this one. Next time, please use the 'modify' feature on your original post if you want to add anything else ~ TT
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Apr 26, 2009 20:19:32 GMT
Post by SRapi on Apr 26, 2009 20:19:32 GMT
Hey, asrail, those are some good jokes! But next time, try to put them all in the same post. It's generally frowned upon to post more than once in a row. Here's one that really works better when it's told, not typed. How do you kill an elephant? With an elephant gun. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a red elephant? Choke it until it's blue, then kill it with the blue elephant gun? How do you kill a purple elephant?... There's no such thing as a purple elephant! This one really works better when it
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asprail
Disabled Account
Posts: 315
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Jokes
Jun 2, 2009 19:57:17 GMT
Post by asprail on Jun 2, 2009 19:57:17 GMT
Rambler: Have you seen Daisy, kind sir? Farmer: Arrr! Right nice she be too. Oi think she went that-a-way. Rambler: Sorry, I couldn't find her. Farmer: Well, oi'll get 'er for 'ee. Daisy, shift your bum over 'ere. Come on, you stupid cow! 'Ere she be. Didn't oi say she were noice? Rambler: That's not who I was looking for. You know, I was looking for a pretty girl with big ear-rings, etc. Farmer: Nope. Oi ain't seen one o' them.
What kind of car digs for gold? - Morris Minor.
Why didn't the clown work in the winter? - He could only do somersaults.
Which US state is full of people sliding around the place? - Mississlippi.
What do you call an island where everybody is the same gender? - Isle of Man.
What do you call an island that's nothing but a pig sty? - Muck.
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Dec 31, 2009 6:52:46 GMT
Post by SRapi on Dec 31, 2009 6:52:46 GMT
Hope no one finds this CN joke offensive: Jesus Christ may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land!
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Jokes
Dec 31, 2009 12:39:42 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Dec 31, 2009 12:39:42 GMT
Here's a few new ones from me:
Knock, knock! Who's there? Dummy! Dummy who? Dummy a favour and clear off!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Sonia! Sonia who? Sonia foot? It's stinking the house out!
One day, an infant school teacher is reading the story of the three little pigs to her class. She comes to the part where one of the pigs goes to the man with the straw.
She reads: "...And so, the pig went up to the man with the straw and said: 'Excuse me, sir, but could I please borrow some of your straw to build my house?'"
She pauses for a moment, then asks the children: "What do you think the man with the straw said?"
Little Tommy raises his hand, and says: "I think he said: 'Bloody hell! A talking pig!'"
Stuart
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lnera1
Disabled Account
Posts: 33
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Jokes
Feb 20, 2010 1:53:17 GMT
Post by lnera1 on Feb 20, 2010 1:53:17 GMT
Here's a few Chuck Norris jokes
Chuck Norris sued MySpace for taking the name of the air around him.
Every Halloween, all the superheros dress up like Chuck Norris
The Boogeyman only goes to sleep after checking under his bed for Chuck Norris
They once made Chuck Norris Toilet Paper. but it wouldn't take #$&% from anybody
not Chuck Norris
There was a wooden warship in the 1800s. The guy in the crows nest hollers down, "one enemy ship on the horizon captain. The captain turns to his assistant, tells him, "Bring me my red shirt." The assistant brings him his red shirt, he puts it on and the battle ensues all day and they don't lose one sailor. After the battle, the assistant comes up to the captain and says, "I gotta ask, before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why?"
The captain replied, "well, if I was shot and was bleeding, the crew would not notice the blood, and they would continue to fight on." The assistant walked away thinking, "wow, that's really cool." The next day, "20 enemy ships on the horizon captain." ....
"Bring me my brown pants"
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Maxine
Passenger Engine
Posts: 593
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2010 0:13:30 GMT
Post by Maxine on Feb 21, 2010 0:13:30 GMT
I've always loved that joke.
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2010 10:50:07 GMT
Post by Christopher on Feb 21, 2010 10:50:07 GMT
Alrighty: here's a lame joke I came up with during one rainy season... Why do Owls never go courting in the rain? Because it's Too-Wet To-Woo!
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lnera1
Disabled Account
Posts: 33
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2010 16:39:47 GMT
Post by lnera1 on Feb 21, 2010 16:39:47 GMT
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A man in the bar asks her. "Where'd ya get that pig?" the woman said "that ain't no pig." the man said "Hell, I was talkin' to the duck.
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2010 16:45:31 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Feb 21, 2010 16:45:31 GMT
Here's a good one from the Hal Roach collection:
Murphy phoned the local taxi company. "I need a taxi to the railway station; I'm running late and I need it urgently. I have to catch the 10 o'clock train to Dublin."
The taxi driver said: "Oh, we're very busy right now, but we'll get a taxi to you as soon as we possibly can. Anyway," he added, "don't worry; the Dublin train is always late."
Murphy replied: "Well, it certainly will be late this morning; I'm the driver!"
Stuart
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Jokes
Mar 9, 2010 1:38:59 GMT
Post by Father Austin Purcell on Mar 9, 2010 1:38:59 GMT
Two boys attended a prestigious public school, where they were fierce rivals in everything they did. This rivalry endured throughout their time at university, and into their chosen careers, the Navy and the Church.
The years passed by, and each man jealously followed the other's progress through the ranks of their respective organisation, until eventually they became an Admiral and a Bishop, respectively.
The inevitable showdown between the deadly rivals came one morning at King's Cross Station, each man dressed in all his finery. The Bishop noticed the Admiral at once, and addressed him in a loud, clear voice:
"Excuse me Porter, which platform does the Edinburgh train depart from?"
The Admiral turned around, and recognising his arch-nemesis replied:
"Platform 10, madam, but do you think you should be travelling in your condition?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Jun 29, 2010 19:50:30 GMT
Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2010 19:50:30 GMT
Did you know that Capello is going to have England play a friendly straight after they got off the plane. Apparently they're going to play against Iceland and, if they win or do better than they did in the cup, they could play against Sainsbury's or Morrison's the following week.
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Jokes
Jan 27, 2011 18:56:58 GMT
Post by The Doctor on Jan 27, 2011 18:56:58 GMT
Oxegen Hyrdogen Sodium Sodium What's my name?
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Jokes
Jan 27, 2011 21:24:45 GMT
Post by Simon A.C. Martin on Jan 27, 2011 21:24:45 GMT
Okay, I think it goes without saying that there are lines on this forum, FIRMLY crossed this evening by a particular member, whose post has now gone to the staff room for review.
Gents, please bear in mind we have people from the age 14 and up here. Tasteful jokes without descending into the unpalatable, please.
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2011 1:46:47 GMT
Post by Thunderbolt on Jan 28, 2011 1:46:47 GMT
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2011 6:29:15 GMT
Post by SRapi on Mar 16, 2011 6:29:15 GMT
Here's one I loved as a kid, and now I just shake my head in shame for that. What did the balsamic vinegrette say when the fridge was opened? Close the door! I'm dressing!
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Jokes
Apr 16, 2011 17:34:26 GMT
Post by colondee on Apr 16, 2011 17:34:26 GMT
Okay...
A man walks into a bar. The universe explodes with the sheer number of possible punchlines!
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SRapi
Main Line Engine
Pronounced: Ess-Are-Ay-Pie.
Posts: 1,543
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Jokes
May 20, 2011 7:19:11 GMT
Post by SRapi on May 20, 2011 7:19:11 GMT
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? He didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate.
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