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Post by Aidan on Jun 29, 2007 12:49:49 GMT
"I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, y'know."
Ringo Starr in "A Hard Day's Night".
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Post by Alaric on Jul 7, 2007 10:52:42 GMT
"The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion."-Terry Pratchett
"The English instinctively admire any man with no talent and is modest about it."-James Agate
"I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give silly answers."-Stephen Fry
And it's not a quote as such, but an amusing bit of dialogue from Watchmen:
Laurie Juspeczyk: Hey, you remember that guy? The one who pretended to be a supervillain so he could get beaten up?
Dan Dreiberg: Oh, You mean Captain Carnage. Ha ha ha! He was one for the books.
Laurie: You're telling me! I remember, I caught him coming out of this jeweller's. I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think "Jeez! He's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?
Dan: Ha Ha Ha. He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street… broad daylight, right? He's saying "PUNISH me!" I'm saying "No! Get lost!"
Laurie: Ha Ha Ha. What ever happened to him?
Dan: Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft.
And here's a much more poignant one:
Doctor Manhattan: Thermo-dynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing. And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermo-dynamic miracle.
Laurie: But...if me, my birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anybody in the world!.
Dr. Manhattan: Yes. Anybody in the world. ..But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the another's vantage point. As if new, it may still take our breath away. Come...dry your eyes. For you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly.
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Post by trainzfan on Sept 28, 2007 12:55:53 GMT
Glenn Quagmire (Finding a cheerleader tied up and gagged in a toilet cubicle): Dear Diary, Jackpot.
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Post by Father Austin Purcell on Oct 5, 2007 11:05:36 GMT
"The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting 'Heil, Spode!' and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: 'Look at frightful ass Spode sw**king 1 about in footer-bags. Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?'" - Bertie Wooster, on amateur dictator Roderick Spode in The Code of the Woosters1 NOT actually swear word, but roughly equates to "swaggering".
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douglas
Main Line Engine
Posts: 2,256
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Post by douglas on Oct 6, 2007 3:07:07 GMT
Used this one in an IM conversation with my friend today to help her solve a conflict:
"A man goes into a relationship thinking women won't change and they do; women go into a relationship thinking they can change a man and they can't." -Anonymous
I think it's true for the most part.
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Post by stepneydude on Oct 6, 2007 13:40:17 GMT
Hope this counts: A few jokes from me. The sad part is I've started writing down my own jokes. "Every child in the world shares the same fear: every child in the world is afraid, afraid of the fact that Pete Townsend is hiding under their bed." "I never give money to the homeless. They're HOMEless, not MONEYless." "He was the one and only! He was named after a comedian! It was the one and only hit! He had it in 1991!" Three ever-so-slightly risque ones: "I would much rather live in a city full of criminals and sex offenders than out in the countryside... where the Black Rabbit of Death lives."
My friend Dan: I've got this drumkit, two electric guitars, a bass guitar, a keyboard and a xylophone. AND, if I do say so myself, I'm an expert at all of them. Me: ...I had sex last night.
"I made a bisexual pervert watch an episode of Hollyoaks and asked him to tell me all the people he would have sex with. Answer me this: Why did he point out everybody?"
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Post by edwardblue on Oct 6, 2007 15:14:56 GMT
One Ithink we should all stop to consider every once in a while.
"The Unexamined Life is not worth living." - Socrates
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Post by bocodiseasel on Oct 6, 2007 21:02:20 GMT
"If you and your own aren't starving then shut the **** up!" - Penn & Teller: Bull****!
"Thou shalt keep thy religion to thy self." - George Carlin
"When this baby hits 88mph, you're gonna see some serious s***." - Doc Brown from Back To The Future
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Post by trainzfan on Nov 6, 2007 11:26:15 GMT
"Windows has detected an undetectable error"-a (supposedly) common Windows 95 error message.
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Post by Devious Diesel on Nov 6, 2007 21:51:01 GMT
BALDRICK: I heard that it (World War 1) started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich because he was hungry. BLACKADDER: I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot. BALDRICK: Nah, there was definately an ostrich involved.
From the very last episode of the "Blackadder" series.
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Post by trainzfan on Nov 7, 2007 10:12:57 GMT
Baldrick: But then I'll go to hell forever for stealing. Blackadder: Believe me, Baldrick. Eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of torture will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil if you do not find that dictionary!
One from Alaric's "Percy runs away" dub:
Gordon(Ryan): "I sincerely hope there are no little green engines on my line today."
Signalman(ringo86): "I'd better go and switch the points for him." Narrator: "But due to circumstances. He didn't make it in time." (A trip back in time after the said event has broken the universe) Signalman: "I'd better go and switch the points for him. Hang on, why am I getting a strange sense of Deja vu?"
Jen Barber: If you type 'Google' into Google you can break the internet, so no one try it, not even for a joke." The IT Crowd, Season 2 Episode 5.
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Post by stepneydude on Nov 7, 2007 23:53:16 GMT
"It's funny how the colours of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen." - Alex, A Clockwork Orange
"I'll tell you what scrambles my eggs but good! Answering machines! I bought one just the other day, and I hooked it up just like it said in the instrooctions, and then I said 'Hey answering machine, do you like my new pants?' It just sat there. I said 'Hey answering machine, will I ever find love?' and it just sat there. I thought, maybe an easier question, 'What's the best automobile for someone in my price range?' And it just sat there! Now that's not an answering machine. That's a just sitting there machine!" - The Ranting Swede
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Post by trainzfan on Nov 28, 2007 11:54:07 GMT
"Veni, Vidi, et id numquam iterum videre volo." -Me, after watching the film Rabbit-Proof Fence.
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CM
Goods Engine
Posts: 362
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Post by CM on Nov 28, 2007 16:22:22 GMT
"Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
"Sixteen."
"Eighteen? Your a first!"
"Moooom!"
"I like where this is going! Gigtiy, gigity gi-gi-ty!"
Glenn Quagmire and a girl.
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Post by Father Austin Purcell on Dec 2, 2007 1:30:30 GMT
"Neccessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves."
William Pitt the Younger
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Post by Casey Jones on Dec 4, 2007 13:34:10 GMT
Here are some from Oscar Wilde: "This wallpaper will be the death of me; one of us will have to go." "The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden; it ends with Revelations." "The only thing worse then being talked about is not being talked about"
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Post by shanedooiney on Dec 7, 2007 19:45:14 GMT
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end. It's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles Schulz
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Post by Skarloey on Dec 10, 2007 22:16:07 GMT
From The Lord of the Rings BBC radio serial of 1981 (adapted by none other than Brian Sibley, author of The Thomas the Tank Engine Man). Episode 11 - The Battle of Pelennor Fields.
Denethor, Steward of Gondor, has been apprehended by Gandalf and Pippin whilst trying to commit suicide with his wounded son, Faramir, rather than face the hordes of Mordor besiegeing his city, while the battle rages on outside Denethor - Do not take my son from me, he calls for me! Gandalf - He calls, but you cannot come to him yet, for he must seek healing on the threshold of death and maybe find it not. (To servants) Take him from the pyre! (To Denethor) Whereas your part, Lord-Steward, is to go out to the Battle of your city, where maybe death awaits you. This you know in your heart. Denethor - He will not wake again! Battle is vain! Why should we wish to live longer? Why should we not go to death side-by-side?! Gandalf - Authority is not given to you, Steward of Gondor, to order the hour of your death, and only the heathen kings under the authority of the dark power did thus, slaying themselves in pride and despair, murdering their kin to ease their own passing. Denethor - Pride and despair?! Do you see this, Mithrandir? (Sindarin for Gandalf). Pippin - The stone! The stone! Gandalf - The stone of Anor! (Rising Sun, former name of Minas Tirith was Minas Anor) Denethor - A palantír! Didst thou think that the eyes of the White Tower were blind? Nay, I have seen more than thou knowest, grey fool, for thy hope is but ignorance! Go then and labour in healing, go forth and fight. Vanity! For a little space you may triumph on the field for a day, but against the power that now rises there is no victory. To this city, only the first finger of its hand has yet been stretched. All the east is moving, and even now the wind of thy hope cheats thee and wafts up Anduin a fleet with black sails. The west has failed! It is time for all to depart who would not be slaves! Gandalf - Such counsel will make the enemy's victory certain indeed! Denethor - Hope on then! Do I not know thee, Mithrandir? Thy hope is to rule in my stead. To stand behind every throne, north, south or west. I have read thy mind and its policies. Do I not know that you commanded this halfling here (Pippin) to be silent, that you brought him hither to be a spy in my very chamber, and yet in our speech together I have learned the names and purpose of all thy companions. So, with the left hand thou would use me as a shield against Mordor and with the right, bring up this Ranger of the North, who claims the kingship, to supplant me! Gandalf - He is the King! Denethor - I say to thee, Gandalf Mithrandir, I will not be thy tool! I am Steward of the house of Anarion. I will not step down to be the dotard-chamberlain of an upstart. Even were his claim proved to me... still he comes but of the line of Isildur. I will not now bow to such a one, last of a ragged house, long bereft of lordship and dignity. Gandalf - What then would you have if your will could have its way? Denethor - I would have things as they were in all the days of my life and in the days of my longfathers before me - to be the Lord of this city in peace, and leave my chair to a son after me who would be his own master and no wizard's pupil, but if doom denies this to me, then I will have naught - neither life diminished, nor love halved, nor honour abated. Gandalf - To me, it would not seem that a Steward who faithfully surrendured his charge is diminished in love or honour, and at least you will not rob your son of this choice, while his death is still in doubt. Denethor - The choice is not thine, Mithrandir. Come hither, my servants! Gandalf - Hold still! Denethor - I am not yours to command, nor is the Palantír of Minas Tirith in which I have seen our doom. Bring me fire - light the pyre of Denethor!
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Post by Devious Diesel on Dec 18, 2007 19:34:09 GMT
"No! No! NO! No! We are not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody, bloody, bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-flavoured Snot" Briers! What do they do now!? Chocolate bloody button ads, that's what! They're nothing but a couple of reactionary stereotypes confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable middle class eccentric, and I...Hate...Them!"
Vivyan, The Young Ones, commenting on "The Good Life".
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Post by trainzfan on Jan 16, 2008 8:36:25 GMT
"Welcome to Cheesie Charlie's. Heil Hitler." - The manager of Cheesie Charlie's in Peter Griffin's description of why he cancelled Stewie's party.
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