douglas
Main Line Engine
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2007 21:53:10 GMT
Post by douglas on Jul 14, 2007 21:53:10 GMT
Reminds me of a funny bumper sticker I've seen...
YOU ARE DEPRIVING SOME POOR VILLAGE OF ITS IDIOT.
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Jokes
Jul 15, 2007 13:43:13 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jul 15, 2007 13:43:13 GMT
Another bumper sticker: MY OTHER CAR IS A TOYOTA, EVEN THOUGH IT'S CLEARLY NOT SO THEREFORE I AM A LIAR, AND EVEN IF MY OTHER CAR WAS A TOYOTA THEN IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A SELF-IMPORTANT b*****d WHO, FOR WHATEVER REASON, FEELS THE NEED TO ALERT THE WORLD THAT MY OTHER CAR IS A CAR THAT YOU POSSIBLY CANNOT AFFORD, EVEN THOUGH I'M FAIRLY SURE MOST OF YOU CAN. I NORMALLY CATCH THE BUS TO WORK.
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Oliver Cromwell
Shunting Engine
Yup, OC is back! I'll change my pic when I can be bothered!
Posts: 94
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Jokes
Jul 15, 2007 21:14:48 GMT
Post by Oliver Cromwell on Jul 15, 2007 21:14:48 GMT
I WANT THAT CAR STICKER!!!
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Proteus
Passenger Engine
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Not everything needs a concrete answer.
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2007 0:21:39 GMT
Post by Proteus on Aug 9, 2007 0:21:39 GMT
The many differences between being honest and being stupid.
If you find a wallet with a thousand pounds in it, and you return the wallet to the owner, that's being honest. If you return the thousand pounds that was in the wallet, that's being stupid.
If you back into someone's car by mistake and leave information on their windshield, that's being honest. If you leave your information on the windshield, that's stupid.
If a guy admits to his wife that he's been cheating on her, he's honest. If his wife's awake at the time of this confession, he's stupid.
If you admit to a cop that you've been smoking weed, that's being honest. If you offer him some, problem solved.
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2007 11:16:22 GMT
Post by Father Austin Purcell on Aug 9, 2007 11:16:22 GMT
If anyone finds this joke offensive, I apologise. However, I heard it from a clergyman myself, so I don't quite see how it could be deemed offensive if he found it funny. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) --- A Priest and a Vicar were driving in opposite directions down a narrow road, and crashed into one another. The two men got out, then, remembering their vocations, decided a row would be unseemly, and decided to have a civil conversation. "It's a remarkable coincidence that we, two men of the cloth, should meet one another under these circumstances," the Vicar says. "Indeed," said the Priest. "You know, by some remarkable chance I have some communion wine with me. It hasn't been blessed yet, so would you care for a drink?" "Why, how very decent of you," said the Vicar. The Priest handed him the bottle and he began to drink deeply. It was almost empty, when the Vicar said: "Oh dear. I seem to be forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?" "No thank you," replied the Priest. "I'll just wait for the Police."
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Jokes
Oct 18, 2007 11:46:36 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Oct 18, 2007 11:46:36 GMT
The biggest joke ever... The England Football Team
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2007 14:42:33 GMT
Post by number1 on Oct 19, 2007 14:42:33 GMT
here's the end of the longest joke I've ever heard.
Snow White, Tom Thumb and quasimodo were sitting by a table in a bar, snow white said I 'I have a magic mirror in my handbag, heres the thing, I can talk to this mirror', and she said 'mirror, mirror, out of my handbag, who's the fairest of them all'. 'Why you snow white' replied the mirror, talking in a loud mirror-like accent. So she said 'have a go at this Tom Thumb', and he said 'mirror, mirror out of snow white's handbag, who's the shortest of them all', and it said 'why you Tom thumb'. and they said to quasimodo, 'go on quasimodo, have a go with the mirror. and he said 'no, I don't like to, I'm not very big on mirrors', so they said 'I'll tell you what, go over to the corner, we won't listen and then you can come back and tell us what the mirror said'. so he goes over and talks to the mirror, and he comes back a few moments later and he says 'who the flip's Jade goody?'
american democrats might wish to exchange quasimodo with 'jar-jar binks' and jade goody (who you won't know, she was an inmate on the UK big brother a few years ago and her uglyness and stupidity made her into a celebrity), with president bush.
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J.B. King
Goods Engine
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One day I'll be back...
Posts: 296
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2007 17:30:46 GMT
Post by J.B. King on Oct 20, 2007 17:30:46 GMT
A good blonde joke I heard in school...
So a blonde girl was in her house putting together a puzzle in her house. She found it very hard so she called up her boyfriend to help. She said "Hey I can't put this puzzle together. There's so many pieces! I think it's supposed to be a tiger according to the box" Her boyfriend said he'd help and went to her house. When he got there he looked at her table with an annoyed look on his face and said, "Ugh put the frosted flakes back in the box...you're making a mess..."
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2007 17:34:33 GMT
Post by Halstead on Oct 20, 2007 17:34:33 GMT
A rather rude one this but it can be used for shrove tuesday
What do you call an irritating chef who cannot flip a pancake properly?
A useless tosser.
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2007 20:59:22 GMT
Post by bocodiseasel on Oct 20, 2007 20:59:22 GMT
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scots man are in the Iraq war and they get captured by Al Queda. They are taken to Bin Laden where he informs them that they are to be shot at dawn. In their cell, the Scotsman says: "I know how we can get out of this! When the gunmen are about to shoot, each one of us shouts somthing like 'Look!! A typhoon!!' and while they're not looking, we run!" They all agree and the next day they are taken outside to where a line of men with guns are. Another soldier puts the Scotsman in the line of fire.
Just as they're about to shoot, the Scotsman shouts "LOOK!! A tidal wave!!" The gunmen run for cover and the Scotsman escapes.
They put the Englishman up next and as they are about to fire, the Englishman shouts "OH MY GOD!! TORNADO!!" The gunmen run for cover again and the Englishman runs away.
Finally, they line the Irishman up and just as they are about to shoot, the Irishman shouts "FIRE!!"
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Jokes
Oct 25, 2007 11:04:27 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Oct 25, 2007 11:04:27 GMT
Some science jokes. Mama Doc would love these.
What do you call a bird that doesn't eat? A polynomial. (polly-no meal. HA HA HA. Ah, you've heard it before.)
"My dog is smart. He feels sorry for me because I recieve so much mail. That's why he bites the mailman." - Albert Einstein
An atom walks into a bar and says "I've lost a neutron." The bartender says "My God, really?" Atom says "I'm positive."
An aeroplane carrying a large amount of hydrochloric acid accidentally dropped its load over a government resevoir of sodium hydroxide. Government officials are upset to admit that one of their strongest bases has been neutralised.
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douglas
Main Line Engine
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Posts: 2,256
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Jokes
Oct 26, 2007 0:08:23 GMT
Post by douglas on Oct 26, 2007 0:08:23 GMT
lol Stepneydude. You gotta love good old witty, non-offensive, non-explicit jokes.
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Jokes
Oct 26, 2007 17:17:10 GMT
Post by shanedooiney on Oct 26, 2007 17:17:10 GMT
I don't remember where I heard this, but here goes.
Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize", unless you're at a funeral.
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2007 21:52:18 GMT
Post by Devious Diesel on Nov 6, 2007 21:52:18 GMT
A rather rudish one... What is a Shih Tzu? A zoo with no animals.
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2007 10:41:14 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Nov 13, 2007 10:41:14 GMT
The pessimist sees no light at the end of the tunnel. The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train at the end of the tunnel. The train driver sees three idiots walking on the tracks.
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2007 15:14:08 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Nov 13, 2007 15:14:08 GMT
A similar joke: The pessimist says "the glass is half empty." The optimist says "the glass is half full." The aggressive says "give me the rest of the water or I'll f*cking kill you!"
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2007 17:24:54 GMT
Post by Jim on Nov 13, 2007 17:24:54 GMT
A similar joke: The pessimist says "the glass is half empty." The optimist says "the glass is half full." The aggressive says "give me the rest of the water or I'll f*cking kill you!" While the realist says 'the glass is too big to begin with!'
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Oliver Cromwell
Shunting Engine
Yup, OC is back! I'll change my pic when I can be bothered!
Posts: 94
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2007 18:06:51 GMT
Post by Oliver Cromwell on Nov 13, 2007 18:06:51 GMT
Or the realist says: 'the glass is.' I vaguely remember the scientist saying something like: '50% of this receptical contains an H2O solution.' The feminist says: 'My glass has less than his glass!'
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2007 20:08:02 GMT
Post by Halstead on Nov 13, 2007 20:08:02 GMT
A road related one here
Did you hear about the idiot who found out that the M6 was closed?
He went up the M3 twice.
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Proteus
Passenger Engine
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Not everything needs a concrete answer.
Posts: 630
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2007 17:40:32 GMT
Post by Proteus on Nov 17, 2007 17:40:32 GMT
A boy went to his dad and said "Daddy, why do I have to make my bed? It's just going to get messy again."
The boys dad says "Why must you wipe your bottom?"
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