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Jokes
Feb 17, 2007 23:52:13 GMT
Post by Devious Diesel on Feb 17, 2007 23:52:13 GMT
RANDOM JOKE
A man who lived with his pet bulldog and parrot had the misfortune of suffering from a broken down washing machine. He called a mechanic over to fix it, but as he had to go to work that day, he told the mechanic that his key would be left under the welcome mat.
Upon arriving, the mechanic found the key under the mat, unlocked the door and went in to find a note. It said "My bulldog and parrot are in the kitchen. The bulldog is very friendly and will not attack you unless provoked, but do NOT, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot."
The mechanic soon got to work mending the washing machine. However, the parrot kept squawking loudly and constantly. Eventually, the mechanic had had enough.
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU DISGRACEFUL ANTISOCIAL BIRD!?" he snapped.
To which the parrot replied "Get him, Spike!"
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 19:09:22 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Feb 26, 2007 19:09:22 GMT
Employee Evaluation
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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douglas
Main Line Engine
Posts: 2,256
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 22:23:40 GMT
Post by douglas on Feb 26, 2007 22:23:40 GMT
I love those kind of jokes ;D I found one on FunnyJunk.com that was like that, too racy for the forum though
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Jokes
May 4, 2007 14:04:10 GMT
Post by trainzfan on May 4, 2007 14:04:10 GMT
Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some **** eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his ********, I'm off to France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those ******* out"
The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-
........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
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Jokes
May 24, 2007 9:41:45 GMT
Post by trainzfan on May 24, 2007 9:41:45 GMT
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off the sofa to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Of Course! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
If anyone dislikes the language, I will change it.
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Jokes
May 24, 2007 12:00:39 GMT
Post by Alaric on May 24, 2007 12:00:39 GMT
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest d**n thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Die.
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Jokes
May 24, 2007 12:02:06 GMT
Post by trainzfan on May 24, 2007 12:02:06 GMT
Hmm...well yes, but you wouldn't really classify 70 years (assuming you lived that long) as short, would you?
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Jokes
May 24, 2007 14:04:05 GMT
Post by Alaric on May 24, 2007 14:04:05 GMT
Compared to the amount of time you spend dead, yes. It's like comparing an elephant to a blue whale. Other than that and 9, I can see your points.
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Jokes
May 24, 2007 17:30:34 GMT
Post by Devious Diesel on May 24, 2007 17:30:34 GMT
I've always wondered about Point 4 for ages.
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douglas
Main Line Engine
Posts: 2,256
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Jokes
May 25, 2007 1:19:39 GMT
Post by douglas on May 25, 2007 1:19:39 GMT
COWS COWS SAY COWS IDIOT COWS THIS COWS MADE COWS I COWS TIMES COWS MANY COWS HOW COWS LOOK First read the list of words top to bottom. Then do the same, but repeating each word. Then read every other word from bottom to top, starting with LOOK. If you get fooled the first time, don't worry. So did I.
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Ronnie
Passenger Engine
I'm Great Western!
Posts: 727
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Jokes
May 25, 2007 4:02:10 GMT
Post by Ronnie on May 25, 2007 4:02:10 GMT
Here's a pretty good one I heard the other day (sorry if it's too inappropriate). Mickey Mouse gets up one morning and walks over to his window. It's a very snowy day, and all Mickey is concerned about is how he's going to get his driveway cleared. Then he notices that someone has written "MICKEY SUCKS" across his front yard in urine. Mickey is rather angry, and calls the police. The police do some investigating in the yard, and soon go inside to talk to Mickey. They tell him that they have some bad news, and they have even worse news. The bad news is that they did some DNA testing on the urine, and found that it belonged to Goofy. The worse news was that it was written in Minnie Mouse's hand writing.
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Jokes
May 28, 2007 14:22:14 GMT
Post by Culdee Fell on May 28, 2007 14:22:14 GMT
COWS COWS SAY COWS IDIOT COWS THIS COWS MADE COWS I COWS TIMES COWS MANY COWS HOW COWS LOOK First read the list of words top to bottom. Then do the same, but repeating each word. Then read every other word from bottom to top, starting with LOOK. If you get fooled the first time, don't worry. So did I. You made this idiot say the word cows thirty times, and then I counted how many times I'd said the word cows!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2007 11:19:40 GMT
Post by trainzfan on Jul 5, 2007 11:19:40 GMT
www.getannoyed.com/general.htmThis is Hilarious! ;D Diary of a computer newbie July 18 I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong. July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 20 I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 21 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me. July 22 The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart. July 23 What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused. July 24 The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me. July 25 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 26 I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size. July 27 These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. July 28 I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon. July 29 I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times. July 30 I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large. July 31 The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times. August 1 Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity. August 2 I just read this post called 'make money fast'. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find. August 3 I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more. August 4 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however. August 5 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group. August 6 Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2007 14:03:25 GMT
Post by stepneydude on Jul 5, 2007 14:03:25 GMT
That FAQ line was pure brilliance. A QUICK RADIO JOKE (Sorry if it's too distasteful, if anyone is offended you know I'll remove it right away.)A radio station hosts a new competition about words in the dictionary. If you can find a word that is not in the dictionary, but is still used almost every day in logical sentences, then you win a prize. The first caller rings up. His word is "goan". "Use that in a logical sentence," says the DJ, "Goan screw yourself!" comes the answer. The DJ cuts him off. Some more attempts come but nobody wins the prize. Up comes the final call: "My word is 'smee'," says the caller. DJ responds, "Can you put that in a sentence?" "Sure can," replies the caller. "Smee again! Goan screw yourself!"
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2007 8:16:54 GMT
Post by 01Salty on Jul 8, 2007 8:16:54 GMT
Here are some funny 'pearls of wisdom':
- It is safest to travel on water. Why? There are more planes in the sea than submarines in the clouds.
- Happiness is like wetting your pants. Everyone sees it, but only you feel the warmth.
- If it weren't for electricity, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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~RDG~
Goods Engine
Posts: 249
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2007 10:55:16 GMT
Post by ~RDG~ on Jul 8, 2007 10:55:16 GMT
Two idiots are walking down a street. They see a mirror lying on the ground. The first guy picks it up. "Funny," he says, "this guy looks familiar!". He passes the mirror to his friend. "Well, duh!" says the idiot #2, "it's me!"
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2007 11:52:05 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Jul 8, 2007 11:52:05 GMT
Here's a few from various joke books I have:
The Maths teacher and the English teacher went for a pizza after school. The Maths teacher asked the waiter: "How long will our pizzas be?" "Sorry," replied the waiter. "We don't do long pizzas, just ordinary round ones."
The Maths teacher saw that Tomi bach ('bach' is Welsh for 'little', btw) wasn't paying attention in class. She called to him and said: "Tomi! What are 7, 3, 11, and 19?" Tomi quickly replied: "History Channel, ITV, Discovery, and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Tomos was in the garden, filling in a hole, when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tomos?" "Well, my goldfish died," replied Tomos tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tomos patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's still inside your bloody cat!"
Stuart
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2007 21:25:46 GMT
Post by neville on Jul 8, 2007 21:25:46 GMT
A board member talks for 10 minutes at the meeting. Next time, he talks for 20 minutes at the next one. Then, he talks for 2hrs and 10 min. the next time. Everyone has an outrage and ask him why he talked so little and then so long. he says: "Well, I had my teeth pulled out the 1st time. Then the 2nd time, my teeth didnt fit, so they hurt." and the members ask, "and the 3rd time?" "Well," he said, "I accidentally picked up my wives dentures."
Drum set goes- tam bom tshhh
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Jokes
Jul 10, 2007 23:42:21 GMT
Post by stuart7 on Jul 10, 2007 23:42:21 GMT
Here's one or two more from me:
A nursery teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She occasionally walked round to see every child's work.
As she got to Tomos, who was working dilligently, she asked what the drawing was.
Tomos replied: "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said: "But Tomos, no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing, Tomos replied: "They will in a minute."
This fellow Murphy phoned the taxi company.
"I need a taxi," he said. "I'm late; I need it urgently. I have to catch the 10 o'clock train to Dublin." The taxi driver said: "Oh, we're very busy right now, but we'll get back to you as soon as we possibly can. Anyway," he went on, "Don't worry; the Dublin Train is always late." Murphy replied: "Well, it will be this morning; I'm the driver!"
Geraint, having just recieved his GCSE results, came home from school feeling rather depressed. "What's the matter, Geraint bach?" asked his mum. "It's my marks," replied Geraint. "They're all wet." "What do you mean, all wet?" "Below C-level!"
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~RDG~
Goods Engine
Posts: 249
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2007 14:57:40 GMT
Post by ~RDG~ on Jul 14, 2007 14:57:40 GMT
The Village Idiot was planning a holiday. He phoned up the travel agents and asked "How long will it take to fly from Birmingham to Sydney?" "Just a minute..." "Thank you!" and he put the phone down.
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